Your voice feels beautiful ~TodoBaku~

Chapter 23: paranoia

CW // a larger amount of angst

Shoto Todoroki

"Ka-Katsuki?"

Waking up alone wouldn't...wouldn't normally have me so bothered, but today...today was different. Today...I wanted to wake up in his arms, especially after what happened earlier this morning. I felt bad for being so selfish as not to mention my hardship to him as I broke down earlier on, his sleeping form just seeming untouchable to me.

But waking up and seeing that he wasn't here...well, it broke me again. Dashing around my dorm in a panic was not quite how I imagined the day to start, and it certainly wasn't anywhere near my ideal. I could feel myself welling up with tears again as my feet pounded on the tiled floor of our kitchen, forcing me to resist the urge to flinch at every loud noise.

I found no trace of him, like he'd never even been here in the first place. Maybe...maybe he hadn't..maybe I'd gotten myself so worked up over the whole charade yesterday that I'd imagined his help? No...no, surely not, I remember...I...I remember, I...

...I remember something, but...did that actually happen? Have I...imagined the whole thing? No...no, no, no!

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no-

The sound of the door creaking open filled my ears, which only added to my panic, my brain not quite operating as it should. I was curled up beside the couch, breathing heavily as all the worst possibilities came to mind. It felt like the sides of my face were burning, flames scorching my cheeks  as my mind whirred with bad things that could happen. Since getting the hearing aids, I'd certainly become a lot more paranoid about..everything, and this was the last thing I needed.

The feeling of arms grasping me took me off guard, and I shrieked and lashed out at them, no grace or decorum in my defences at all. At some point, I think I realised it was Katsuki that I was swatting away, and relented, but by this point I was sobbing my eyes out, curled up pathetically on the floor in a foetal position.

His arms wrapped around me once more, pushing my head up into his chest. He made shushing noises as he stroked my cheek, doing his utmost to calm me down as I wriggled around in his grasp. I knew I should stop, knew I should just let him comfort me, but I wasn't sure what I even believed anymore. The confidence I had in his affection had dwindled, the curse in my mind twisting my thinking to be so much worse than it actually was.

I heard him soothing me, felt it too. He was definitely speaking, but what it was he said is anyone's guess. My head felt like a time bomb right now, ready to explode at any second.

"...I'm here, I'm here, don't worry, I'm here, Shoto, I'm here, I'm here"

His voice became clearer, and for the first time, I looked up at him, seeing the distress on his face. He was clearly uncomfortable, doing his best to remain calm and help me, despite not having a clue what to do. Seeing that, I did my best to steady my breathing, relaxing into his lenient grasp on me.

He continued to stroke my cheek until I'd settled, lying limp in his arms with tear-soaked cheeks, feeling nothing more than pathetic. He sat me up against the wall and knelt in front of me, still keeping a hand on top of mine for support, staring right into my eyes.

"Wh-where did you g-go...?"

"I was with Aizawa, getting work. Did you not see the note?"

"N-no....I-I'm sor-"

"It's ok, don't apologise. It's not your fault, and it's over now, so it doesn't matter."

"I-I thought you'd just left..."

"I told you, didn't I? I'm not leaving you, ever"

"B-but you d-did..."

"Shhh, I'm sorry. It's ok. I won't go again without telling you, ok? I tried to be quick because I knew you were asleep, but I'm sorry."

"Y-you sc-scared me"

"I know. I'm sorry. You ok now...?"

"...yeah"

"Ok. Can you stand?"

"Yeah"

I got shakily up to my feet, and as soon as I was upright, he wrapped his arms around my back and hugged me tight, not letting up at all. I had to tap him to show him I couldn't breathe, and he awkwardly smiled in apology, a sweet gesture that helped clear my head of worry a little bit. In fact, I wanted more of that head-clearing, and decided to connect our lips, a more passionate affair than it was this morning.

To be honest, most of the reason I did it was to make sure the first one was real. To my great relief, it most definitely was, as the feeling was the same. It was a shame that we only seemed to have kissed while I was crying, but overall I couldn't complain. It was definitely something Katsuki had done before, which was...annoying, to some degree, but I had no right to be jealous. He expertly knew what the limits were, keeping kisses soft and not trying to overstep his boundary at all. He was...perfect, almost the literal definition of the word. As long as he watched over me, I had no need to run.

"Safe", was the word I said aloud.
—————————————————

I started this chapter intending to finish off Tuesday.

And barely got 20 minutes in.

Fact of the Day: "as long as I watch over you, you don't need to run" is a lyric from Teresa, by YUNGBLUD.

Also the line "flames scorching my cheeks" is a reference to the movie Clue, where Madeline Kahn (Mrs White) improvised the line which was meant to be:

"I hated her so much, I just wanted to kill her"

and instead said

"I hated her...SO much, it, f-it, flam-flames! Flames...on the side of my face...breathing, heavy breathing...heaving breaths, heathing..."