Home Ice.

Chapter Nine.

Avery

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel.

It's like a small part of me is gone - not one big enough to where I won't ever be okay again, but enough to where I feel this aching that won't go away. How am I supposed to feel?

My dad has been a touchy subject for a while now. He left when I was 18 and I didn't hear from him until I was 24, the only time I saw him during that was when Mason got me into that shed. He didn't bother even asking when my high school graduation was, he didn't even call for my college or grad school graduations. He was a shitty, shitty dad.

I have so much hatred for him, for his lack of care for my mother and I. Of course I've thought about him a lot over the years and the more I did, the more I realized that he was definitely with other women longer than I even knew. I think back to how suddenly he started working late, how he'd skip things of mine for reasons I wasn't even told. He was an absent father from when I was 12 and older, at least.

It made me hate him even more. It felt like he only wanted a kid, like an actual child. He didn't want me once I was old enough to be on my own, when I didn't need him to do things for me anymore. He wanted a little girl who looked for her Daddy to do everything for her.

It seems to be a common theme between him and my mother, honestly. Now that I'm older, neither of them seem to care as much about me.

Well, cared.

I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not upset that Finn can't be here. Of course I want him to be by my side through this but the reality is that he's got a job that doesn't let him do a lot of things. The flight to New York was one of the sadder ones I've ever been on.

He talked to Andy, his coach, and he said that they wouldn't know the roster until after the skate today. He's still on the ice and I only just got to New York a couple of hours ago, so I guess I'll find out soon enough if he'll actually be able to come or not. I'm not getting my hopes up, though.

I'm staying at a hotel because honestly, I just don't want to stay at my mother's boyfriend's apartment. They moved in together last year and although he's a nice guy, I don't really want to sleep on their couch. It's all just so awkward.

My mom has her front up again. She's acting like this is all just some business exchange but I know she's only doing that so that she doesn't break down. They were married for a long time, there's no way she's as cold about this as she's leading on to be. I don't blame her for it, though. I never blamed her for anything that man put her through or how she responded to it, even though I probably could of since that's what made her push me away.

Finn feels awful that he's not with me right now. He booked everything for me, my flight and my hotel room - he even wanted to pay for my Uber but I told him that he'd done enough. He would of done it anyway if he wasn't on the ice when I landed.

I have to go to my Mom's for dinner tonight with her side of the family, so I got ready and now I'm on the subway to the Lower East Side since that's where her and her boyfriend live. I'm not wearing anything extravagant obviously, I just felt gross from the flight and wanted to shower before I left.

My hand is wrapped from my stupidity yesterday, too. I forgot to put the mat down before I got into the shower and then I wasn't paying attention and tripped getting out - and then slipped on the wet floor. I put my hand out to catch myself and saw the nail at the last second, but it was too late. 

It hurt like a motherfucker, so bad that I couldn't even stand up without feeling dizzy. I was trying to figure out a way to get Finn's attention when he came in. He told me that Olive got him and my heart literally melted at that. She's such a good girl.