Jar Of Hearts

Chapter 6 : Melancholy

     As if he wasn’t behind enough before, Beomgyu was positive he was being put back a couple hundred steps.

     Despite convincing himself that he was the problem— that he was the cause of his lack of progress, he knew Taehyun was also a relevant factor. After they met up at his dorm, it seemed like the boy had vanished off the face of earth for the time being.

     Beomgyu asked him if he was willing to hang out again—more times than he’d like to admit, really.

     Each futile attempt was shot down with a dissimilar excuse by the latter. It made sense, though. Beomgyu couldn’t bring himself to blame him. It was the middle of the week and with the knowledge about his employment, the boy was surely occupied.

     He was balancing both his two majors, one which was especially challenging. Along with that, he had his job. Beomgyu didn’t know how regularly he had his classes or how many days a week he had to show up to work, but he was sure it was a lot of pressure. He wasn’t certain how he was managing with such a weight on his shoulders. He would’ve crashed and burned out ages ago.

     Not only had the boy busied himself during the week, but his timetable was completely scheduled all weekend, too. He declared he had more work and had demands to tend to, but during the weekend it seemed unlikely. Was the gym even open during then?

     Either way, he had close to no time to spare.

     Maybe that was the reason behind his absence of dimmed hearts. Maybe he didn’t have the time for devoting himself to someone else. It was a commendable trait. Beomgyu only wished he could get his superiorities straight and prioritize himself over someone else.

     That was his enigma. The majority of his life was spent giving himself to other people. He put them soaring high on his list of importance while he was at the fleeting bottom. Beomgyu strived to satisfy others while he left himself discontent without a second thought. Rather than tending to his own matters, he spent his time consoling everyone else in fear they’d leave him.

     Eventually, they all did.

     His behaviour led him to his perpetual state of worry. If he had been insignificantly more careful—if he just had loved himself that much more, he wouldn’t be where he was. Maybe he would’ve been living stress-free. Maybe, then, his only anxieties would be because of his school work.

     But that’s how his life worked. It was a mountain of “what if I had done this differently”. It was pools of regret, and he was drowning.

     There was nothing he could do but let himself sink. What was the point in trying?

     Nevertheless, a week after no progression, he’d finally jumped at the opening to see Taehyun again. He wasn’t sure if it was the desperation driving him so eagerly or if it was something else. Maybe there was a hidden motive, one other than redeeming whatever fragile self-esteem he had left.

     He blamed the excitement on his aim. When he eventually got the chance handed to him, his week had seemed a lot more polished. It was for the bet, of course.

      Of course.

     Taehyun stated he still had his photography assignment to work on. His concept was change, and he was still stuck, as he mentioned. Beomgyu proposed they met at a nearby park and try to find a motivational drive for him to hitch on.

     “Do you usually struggle with concepts?” Beomgyu disputed as he absentmindedly picked at the grass. Taehyun was perched in front of him, sitting in a crisscross position. His supplies we’re diverged around his figure and he had a deflated expression painted on his face.