Legacy // H.S

12.

'In the city you, you find pain

And the people you find there

That remind you of your role

Let me go'

*

We always seem to be stepping back. After moments of such hope, leaps in our mission and progress towards greatness, something pushes us further away from the goal. Every other day is another battle I'm becoming too tired to fight, another hurdle I must cross or a storm I must weather.

Sometimes, we have to ask ourselves if it's worth it. If the broken limbs and burnt skin and tortured minds are worth continuing to feel. Each time we stand back up, another hand knocks us down, and sometimes, I find myself questioning whether we'll ever reach the end. If there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Because everything I once held onto, all the joy and hope and love; it seems to evaporate so easily with each set back. Was it ever really there in the first place if it can be taken away so easily?

I remember being asleep after I was taken. The last thing I heard were gunshots and suddenly, everything stopped. They always tell you that when you're on the brink of death, everything flashes before your eyes. I expected to see Harry and Dad and the team, even those that have hurt me. But for that set amount of time, something that felt like an eternity, I saw nothing.

There wasn't a white light or a screen replaying every memory. There was no room or sound or group waiting to be taken upstairs to the big man. Everything was empty. Blank. Quiet. I wasn't particularly cold, and for the longest time I wasn't even unnerved. For some inexplicable reason, despite all these alarms, I felt at peace. For the first time in my life, I was calm.

I'm not sure if I walked around to examine things, or if I just sat in one place looking into nothing. I don't know if I said anything, or if I could even breathe. I just felt at ease, and I felt safe.

I had always thought in that moment I'd hear a happy tune, like one of Dad's favourite songs, or I'd start to feel like I was floating, like I told George. But there was nothing. In many ways, it was like I was numb. Just existing in the darkness, finally alone as I'd always felt. And I wasn't as broken as I thought I'd be at the fact. No. Just peaceful.

Is that what death is? A quiet solitude, finally freeing you of the shackles that once felt too tight. It's not about spreading your wings and existing in a dream-like state. Perhaps, it really is just letting go and moving towards total and utter nothingness. The one thing we crave when times get tough. An end to the trauma and fear, and a complete pause on life.

I think I was happy, too. Just sat there, alone, with no one to keep me company. There were no threats or dangers. Only me. I'd always been scared of ending up alone, but for some reason it felt like the exact thing that I needed. That loneliness would save me.

It made me wonder if that's the fate everyone else faced. If Dad wasn't really in the stars, but in his own emptiness. Maybe George was roaming around the vast space of nothing, too. All the team members that died, and those enemies I have seen lifeless; do they all exist in these realms?

Then, I woke up, and suddenly, I could feel it all at once. And I hated every single minute of it. I wanted to die. I wished they'd let me. Because to remember what I'd forgotten in that short space of time, to sit and not feel a thing and be content with that, only for it to all hit me like a tonne of bricks, it felt like I couldn't breathe. I still feel that way. Sometimes, I hold my breath and hope it's enough to send me back there, but our brains are wired to act fast in those situations. To force your body into action and stop the threat of death. One day it will listen, I think. When it's too tired to fight me anymore, it will give in.