I'll Always Love You - A Romanogers Fanfic

93

STEVE'S POV

Clint looks at me.
"Are you okay, Cap?" He asks and wipes a tear away from his cheek.
I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want Natasha back.
"Steve?"
"No of course I'm not okay!" I yell. I need to get it out.

He takes a step backwards when I come towards him, and I have no idea why.
"I lost Natasha. I lost her, and I wasn't even with her, Clint. You were!" I shout, and the tears are threatening to escape my eyes.
"Believe me, it wasn't very nice to see your best friend...your best friend...die" he says, with almost no force in his voice.
"I have seen my best friend die. Twice" I hiss, and I turn away.

I can barely be in myself. I am so angry, and I am so miserable, and I want now more than ever to kill Thanos for good. He was the reason I lost her. If he hadn't been such a goddamn inconsiderate creature, then I'd still have Natasha. I'd still have her, and I'd love her more than ever, and I'd treasure her better than before. She should be here. With me. With us, fighting Thanos.

"...you were there to her last words. Her last words to me were 'see you in a minute'" I whisper, and I'm crying now, and I don't care.
"Steve...I..." he whispers.
"No! Don't say anything Clint! Don't say anything. Her last words to me were a lie! I've lost her to a lie. I can't...Clint...I need her. I need her more than anything!" I scream. I do, I really do need her. I don't think I can function without her.
"I need her too!" he says loudly.
"But you weren't in love with her Clint. You weren't so goddamn in love, that everything you did, you did for her. She was my purpose, and I've only just realized it!" I yell, and I punch the nearest wall. I just need to. I need to make the pain go away, because it's only been hours, and I'm already doubting that I'll be able to go on without her. I won't. I don't think I ever can.

"I know Steve. I know exactly how you feel. It's like when I lost Laura and the kids. You already feel like nothing matters anymore don't you?" He asks, with more tears welling up in his eyes from the mention of his family.
"Yeah...nothing matters. I've been without her for a few hours, and I miss her Clint. I miss her so much" I whisper and I hopelessly dump down in one of the chairs, staring emptily out in the room.
He sits down on the chair next to me and looks at me.
"I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't" he says.
"I know...I lost Peggy...but that was never as painful as this...not even close" I say quietly. I want to scream. I want to yell and cry and punch something, or someone. Anything to make this hopelessness just maybe being kept at bay, but I can't. I can't get anything out other than silent tears.
"I'm going to bed" I say flatly and I get up and leave Clint in the lobby.

Two days. Two days since the worst news of my life. It's only gotten worse. I can't eat. I can't sleep. Everything. Everything reminds me of her. Everywhere reminds me of places I've kissed her, places I told her I loved her. And I can't get a minute without this pain that feels like it's cutting in my heart.
It hurts. It hurts so much. And I don't think it'll ever stop.

I search so desperately for a feeling of her presence, but it's silent. It's dead silent.
Everyone is avoiding me, unless we're discussing how to kill Thanos and they have to be around me, because I don't stop yelling at them. I hate that I do it, but I can't stop. I can't stop missing her. I can't stop imagining her here with me.

I can't stop thinking about the first time I kissed her. The first time I knew that I loved her. The first time I told her, and how she didn't say it back at first, and that pain I was feeling that day seems like a joke. It seems like the stupidest joke, and I've been laughing maniacally at it just to feel like something was right, but it isn't.
I think about all our mornings, all our silly discussions, all the times we've cuddled up on the couch and she's fallen asleep.
Maybe she was right. Maybe love is for children, because I feel just as vulnerable as I did when I was ten years old and I got beaten up in an alley. I feel as broken - if not more - as when my parents died, and I want to hide away and never move on with my life, because it's not worth it. Without Natasha it's not worth it.

I don't realize how hard I'm punching the punching bag in front of me, until I feel rice pouring down on my feet.
I gasp for breath, and I stare down on my hands.

I wasn't wearing gloves or tape, and I've only realized now how bloody they are and how bad they're shaking.
But I need to feel the pain physically. I need to feel the pain if I want any hope of being able to fight Thanos.

"Some punches, Cap" Tony carefully says behind me, and I turn around and look him in the eyes.
"Wow, don't give me the killer eyes" he says jokingly and raises his hands.
"Do I look like I'm laughing?" I ask and wipe the tears off my face before I wash the blood off my hands.
"Not at all. Are you okay, Steve?" He asks more serious now.
"No. I don't think I'll ever be" I say honestly and wipe my face with a towel.
"And...Tony..?" I ask carefully.
"Yeah?" He asks as we make our way down the hall.
"Thank you...for coming back. It was her dream to get them back" I say, with a pained smile.
"And we'll fulfill that dream" he says and pats my back.

Yes we will. I'm not letting you rest, knowing that I didn't finish the heroic thing that you started. You hear me My Love? I'm not.

I don't know how good I am at writing pain, but I let myself just write, and I hope you like it!
One more part...