Insouciant [h.s]

05

Busting through the door to my badly light apartment, my body was no longer allowing breaths into my lungs. The whole trip back felt like a distant memory, a sickening nightmare. My body was in so much pain, my eyes cloudy from not breathing. I tripped running towards the medicine cabinet, crashing into the sink while unbarring the cabinet door in an anxious mess.

I grabbed the orange pill bottle reading Xanax, popped the lid and brought the peach coloured pills to my mouth. I let the chemical tasting pills move down my throat, leaving a scratchy feeling down my airway. I shut my eyes and finally allowed myself to breathe normally again, for a moment it was peaceful.

I pulled the pill bottle back, putting it down. The peacefulness leaves quickly,  the dreadful feeling of anxiety deep in my stomach. I could breathe now, but if I didn't calm down, I'd provoke my fear again.

I got off the guest bathroom counter, jogging into the bathroom in my bedroom. I clicked on the light and saw my alarming reflection. My makeup was a mess, my hair dripping with sweat and the feeling of a thick layer of fear resting on my skin.

I turn on the shower as it pumps hot water, immediately ripping my clothes off and throwing myself under the stream of boiling water. I start scrubbing with my hands, trying to get the residue of near-death off my skin. The feeling was horrible, a horrible feeling that felt like it was never going to wash away. I scrubbed my skin raw, getting the yucky feeling off my skin but it still felt like it was forever stuck on me. My heart thrashed against my chest obnoxiously.

I noticed the feeling was also in my hair now, my mind panicking. 

I ran my hair under the water, frantically scrubbing it like hell. My hands were shaking and fumbling with my hair, feeling numb at the fingertips. No matter how much I scrubbed it felt like it was tainted, and that the feeling would never go away.

I was too in shock to cry anymore, My mind was struggling with what to do next, because I know I had to leave new york as quickly as possible. I didn't know who to trust.

The only person I trust is Kurtis.

I look down through the foggy glass to see my clothes scattered on the herringbone tiles, realizing Harry had his hands on my clothes.

My hands reach for the towel hanging over the shower door, quickly throwing it around my body. I grabbed the clothes gently, feeling them to find out they also held the horrible tainted feeling. The feeling wasn't visible, but I could feel it. 

I grabbed the other pieces of clothing and flew out of the bathroom, through the kitchen, living room and into the laundry. The thought of these men destroying my life again made me want to crawl into a ball and never move again.

But the longer I let the clothes unwashed, the more I was going to think about it. I had to clean them or I won't be able to move my mind past it.

I step forward again and open the washing machine, placing the soap powder in the slot. I held back tears whilst watching the soapy water take over the washing machine.

I had to pack, I had to leave. There is no way I am going to stay in this apartment, they know where I live. I don't know what the hell is even going on but I have to go if I want to stay alive.

I quickly shut off the laundry room light and race back into my bedroom, running straight to my bedroom and aimlessly shoving my hands under my bed to find my duffle bags. I kneel down in front of the open duffle bag and run my hands through my hair.

"Apartment 17, leased by Kaia Palmer—"

I jumped in the startle of another voice that spoke nearly, my head snapping up to look at my front door from where the noise came from.