Underneath the Peonies (Tom Hanson)

Chapter 13: All I Have To Do Is Dream

The stars have gotten darker. Their lights have dimmed, casting a shadow of grief over my heart. We learned the hard way that we can't hide from time. We tried. But here we are, at the end.

For the past few weeks, I've been having very vivid dreams about Vivien. I know that they're just dreams, but they feel so real. She's in them, but she's far away. I can't get closer to her, and I yell out to her but there's no answer. But I know she can hear me. Somehow I know that she can hear me.

One night, I found myself walking in a crowded street. I kept bumping into people who were trying to rush past, and no one was saying a word. There were so many people around me, but I felt so alone. Out of instinct, I turned and I saw Viv. I almost turned back but then I realized it was her. Our eyes met and I could see her face brighten. How clearly I first saw her, smiling in the golden sun that shined down on us. I could feel her warmth upon me. She was here.

I tried so hard to get to her, and we both rushed through the crowd, our eyes never leaving each other. When there was no one in our way, I finally held her in my arms again. I squeezed her so tight, I was lifting her off the ground. I never wanted to let go again. I squeezed my face and pushed my face into her shoulder. She hugged me back just as tight.

When we released, I got to see her angelic face once again. She was just as beautiful as she was the first night I saw her. Her face was flushed, her hair was soft under my touch, and her eyes were dancing in a way I hadn't seen in so long.

I held her face in my hands and pulled away just to make sure it was really her. She wore a sweet babydoll dress. It featured a square neckline with three-quarter puff sleeves with ruffled hems, and the white twill fabric had a short, flowy, flared-out silhouette. She looked like an angel. My vision got blurry from tears welling in my eyes and I had no words. She was really here with me.

"Why are you so sad?" She asked in a compassionate tone.

I sniffed with a smile. "I'm not. I haven't been this happy in a long time."

She chuckled, "I know. I'm sorry."

"How are you here?" I asked. "You're dead."

She smiled at me and said, "if I'm alive inside your heart, I'll live on."

I sniffed and I could feel her finger graze my hot cheek. Her face fell to concern and she said, "hey, hey... don't cry. I'm always here. There's a place here for me, just like how there's a place here for you too when it's your time."

"I just want to be with you now. I was so afraid to lose you."

She shook her head sweetly. "Not yet. Someday, but not yet. Not soon. You have so much more to do down there. But, I'll see you in your dreams. I don't want you to let your life pass you by, and I don't want you to be sad when you look back on our memories together."

Viv's eyes are so beautiful, there's a rare tint of gold that show that her eyes hold the purest riches that are buried in the ground, just like her heart. Her strong eyes carry the earthquakes that bring mountains to their knees. Brilliant, stunning, and contains all my love. Truly windows to the soul.

"I don't think I ever told you, but you taught me so much while you were here. You taught me how to love being alive, and what it means to truly live," I told her. She gave me another perspective on life that I would not have seen without her.

She smiled lovingly. "Good. I want you to have the most amazing adventures, and you can tell me all about it when I see you again."

I held her hands in mine and brought them up to my chest. She tilted her head at me slightly, and I was so overwhelmed with joy I was crying. My lips trembled and I was choking up as I said, "I didn't th-think it was going to be this h-hard..."

"I know it's not easy, but I'm so proud of you." Her hand held the back of my head and she brought me down to kiss my forehead.

"It's so good to see your smiling face, and to hear your voice again," I told her.

"I guess that's a good thing about being up here, is I get to see you each and every day. I will get to watch you grow old, and live the best life for the both of us."

I held my hand out to her, and her smile morphed into an adorable little smirk. She took my hand, and she twirled into my arms. The fabric of her dress moved with her, like she was a princess. My princess. She laughed, with her infectious smile jumping to me. She can spin and sway to any song, without a care in the world.

Our moves were slow, but it was like we could read each other's minds. I lifted my arm up and she spun slowly under my arm, and then she was back into my chest. I will dance with my Cinderella, while she is still here in my arms. Pretty soon, the clock will strike midnight and she will be gone once again.

Her hands were in mine and when we were swaying together, she said, "I am never too far away. There is no where you can go where I won't be with you. I'll always be here—" she pointed to my heart "—just keep an eye out."

"How am I gonna know you're okay?" I asked her.

"You gave me the greatest adventure, Tom." She sniffed and smiled while tears glistened in her heavenly eyes. "I'm okay."

"I wish we could stay like this forever. All I have to do is dream," I said.

"But dreams are not reality," she said in a small voice.

"Who's to say which is which?" I asked softly. I lost her once, I wasn't going to lose her again.

"You can't dream your life away. I won't let you. Now, I have to go. And when tomorrow starts without me, I don't want you to cry while you think of me anymore. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, and each time that you think of me, I know that you'll miss me too. We are never far apart from each other. Every time you think of me, just know that I'll be right here, in your heart."

Suddenly, I felt her vanish under my arms. My eyes opened, and I was back in my dark, and empty bedroom. Not sure if it was real, or a dream. I know it was my subconscious conjuring her in an attempt for me to forgive myself, but I hope it was actually her visiting me. It felt so real.

My fingertips longed to touch her, so they instinctively reached for her. What they found instead was the fluffy material of her blanket. I grabbed it and pulled it in, hugging it to me. It still smelled like her. Like a warm summer breeze that catches you and takes you out of the moment. All the good times we had together just flew right by. However, the memories of her will never go away.

Vienna will always be there, waiting for her.

I can hold onto the love I have for Viv, which will always live inside my heart. This way, her story can never die. Minutes turn into hours, which turn into years and then they're gone. Time just flies by. When I feel all hope has been lost, I'll think of her and know that our love lives on.

I wish she could feel what my heart says about her. The love, fun, and laughter that we shared together will always stay with me. The way she looked, and the sound of her laughing flashes in my memory, bringing me back to a time that I yearn. Lord, I miss her and I wish she was still here. Only memories are left for me to hold.

I'm going to hold onto every memory of Viv as I go, because I know that she is going to be with me for my last ride. I can feel her. That's how I know she goes on. Nothing can express what she means to me, but she knows. I know she knows. I also know that we will meet again someday.

I got my five minutes.