*Sunoo's pov*
I had a big smile on my face as I was walking home, while the image of Ni-ki's boxy smile was still stuck in my head. He was so different from what everyone was saying,
He was so funny and sweet, and his laugh was like music to my ears.
I actually learned some things about him while we were taking breaks from working, like how he's also 17 years old and that his birthday is on December 9th, which makes him a Sagittarius, perfect.
He also told me that he lives alone with his father, I didn't dare to ask him what had happened to his mother because I was scared to make him feel uncomfortable.
I'm actually very confused about why he doesn't have a lot of friends, he's so nice..
"I'll introduce him to my friends tomorrow at school" I thought to myself before entering my home.
*Ni-ki's pov*
I entered my house, still having a small smile on my face as Sunoo's voice was still lingering in my head, the way he said my name left my heart beating faster then normal.
But my thoughts where suddenly interrupted by the feeling of a strong force being put to my face which made me immediately fall to the ground..
My father..
"How was your day with your boyfriend, You little fag" he spat out at me.
"He's not my boyfriend, I'm not gay...I promise.." I answered him,
I was scared,
I knew that he was extremely homophobic and he had always told me that if I ever turned out to be gay..he would kill me..
"Oh i saw the way you smiled at him, the audacity you have to smile after killing your mother, after taking away the one thing I loved, you know if you hadn't been born then she wouldn't have gotten that disease" he yelled back at me to the point were the smell of alcohol in his breath was obvious.
I knew that even if I would try to fight back I wouldn't win anyways, so i just let him punch me a few times as he yelled at me. It wasn't the worst beating he had done, and at this point I was very use to it.
When he was done I started making my way upstairs and towards my room, walking into my own boring and colorless room made me miss Sunoo's colorful one,
it made me miss him..
I quickly made my way into my bathroom making sure to lock the door before reaching out for a little porcelain box standing on one of the shelves behind some lotions and other hygiene products.
The porcelain box use to be my mothers and it was the only thing of hers that father hadn't taken away from me.
I slowly removed the lid and looked down at the five blades that were laying there,
I took one out and placed the little box on the sink very carefully making sure not to break it.
I rolled up the sleeve on my black hoodie, looking at my arm. It was already covered in cuts, old ones and new ones, some were from years ago and the latest ones were only from a day or two ago.
I started self harming after my mom died and my dad became abusive. He had always blamed me for her death, even though I didn't mean to, or in any way wanted it to happen.. it still did.
She got an deadly infection after giving birth to me which put her into surgery, after her surgery it seemed like she was fine again.
She seemed healthy for years until one day when I was thirteen she got a very high fever and she started to get sudden pains in her chest, she also started to constantly throw up and when we finally went to the hospital we were told that she was dying, and that their was nothing they could do to save her. I started to blame myself and so did my dad.
My mental health became even worse when I realized I was gay, after years of being told that being gay was wrong and disgusting, I couldn't do other then believe it, that I was disgusting, that my father was right.
I believed every word he said which made me believe that I deserved all of the pain that he caused me. I had always pushed down my feelings and reminded myself that it was wrong to feel that way towards boys.
I slowly took the blade and pressed it against my skin as all the things my father had said repeated in my head.
"Fucking fag"
i started making a first cut.
"Kill yourself"
i dragged the blade against my skin again.
It's your fault that she's dead"
I saw the blood dripping down on the floor as I made a third cut.
"Nobody loves you"
I once again dragged the silver balde across my wrist.
"I hope you die, you deserve it"
and with that I made one last cut, wincing form the pain.
I looked down at my arm that was now covered in blood as tears started streaming down my face..
"I'm sorry mother,
I didn't mean for you to die.
I'm sorry for taking your life by being born,
I'm sorry for taking away father's happiness.
I'm sorry"
I said with tears still streaming down my face.
And there I sat with blood staining my black hoodie until I finally got up from the floor, putting the blade back into the little box before cleaning up my cuts.
After that I went to put on new clothes because the clothes I was wearing were blood stained.
When I was finally all cleaned up again I went straight to my bed with only one person on my mind.
Sunoo..
Thinking about him was so comforting in a way, his voice was so incredibly soft and his smile was adorable. I knew that it was wrong to feel this way about a another boy but I couldn't help it.
I reached out for a little diary that I had hidden under my bed so my father wouldn't be able to find it. With tears still running down my face I pressed the pen against the paper and started writing.
Dear diary.
I know that what I'm feeling is wrong but I can't help but smile when I hear his voice,
I can't help but miss his smell,
I also can't help but miss the way he poutes with his lips when he's concentrated on something,
Or the way he holds his stomach and covers his mouth with his hand when he laughs.
I know it's wrong, but I can't help but to miss him.
I feel so ashamed over these feelings I have and I know that Sunoo will hate me and be disgusted in me if he ever finds out,
he will probably leave me like everyone else, that's why I'm going to keep these feelings secret.
And with that I closed my diary and cried my self to sleep.
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Sad chapter:(
I just want to remind you if your going through a tuff time in your life right now that it will get better and that there is always help to get,
Just make sure to stay healthy and take care of yourself, love u<3
