blind-sided

chapter nine

I WAS SITTING IN THE school library during lunch, not feeling up to being surrounded by people. I needed some time to think during this lunch period. So much had happened since I'd met Collins, and none of it was making sense.

I was so hot-and-cold with Jamie, but he just had this effect on me. I was tethered to him, and I didn't know how to sever the strand, no matter how sharp the scissors were.

So maybe avoiding him wasn't the answer. There was no way I could do it, and trying to pull it off would be exhausting. Plus, I wanted the both of us to do well on this project, so if seeing Jamie a little more often was the key for that, then I might as well go along with it.

In my mind, I had settled on acquaintances. It gave me the freedom to see him, but not the opportunity to get super close. School friends. Nothing else.

I thought about the fact I'd told Jamie twice now I'd had a crush on him for years, no reaction ever coming across his face. Yet, in this moment, my face flushed in embarrassment. I really had done that, hadn't I?

I was never really one to be extremely private, so in the heat of a moment, I usually let out more than I wanted to. Sometimes it was for the better and others for the worse.

Mentally kicking myself as I ate alone, a tray clacking down in front of me made me look up. I felt my stomach twist.

"What are you doing here alone?" Jamie asked, sitting across from me as he started to take a bite from his burger.

"What are you doing here?" I retorted.

"I asked first."

I narrowed my gaze at him and shut my english book, leaning forward. His brown eyes darkened as he too, leaned forward.

"Studying, you know, something you should try," I whispered, smirking as I saw him scowl at that.

"I study, you've seen me. I just don't do it all the time like you. A social life is good for you, you know," my smirk dropped and his scowl fell when he could see the slight pang in my expression.

"I-I didn't mean it like that, I was just saying-"

"I heard you the first time," I grumbled and started to gather up my things. I really hated being so sensitive, but if only he knew why I had to work so hard. This is what my life was going to be like for the next 4 years after high school. Might as well start now.

"Finn, come on I-"

"And don't call me that. I hate that."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want a nickname from you. I don't want anything from you," Jamie flinched at that, standing up in front of me to block my way.

We were trapped by a wall of books, and he was standing in front of the only exit, the only way to my freedom.

"What is with you? I'm trying to be a nice guy, to be a friend, and you keep pushing me away. It's like one second you're nice to me, and the next I'm human garbage. I don't get you, McGowan," Jamie's voice was low as he whispered, trying not to draw attention to our area.

"Have you ever considered the reason that you may be the cause? I've expressed to you twice now that I've liked you and you've never reacted to it once. You've never said anything. I don't expect you to like me back, but at least acknowledge something, anything! I'm not just some girl you can play around with," I hissed back, not quite sure where any of this was going.

"Well I'm sorry that was 6 years ago and I'm not hung up about it because I'm a normal human being who knows how to move on," Jamie's words cut like a knife. The breath hitched in my throat, and his furrowed brows relaxed as his facial features softened, his eyes full of regret as he noticed he'd struck a nerve.