1. saying goodbyes

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Gabriella 'Raven' Ramirez

Walking down the streets of Freeridge was nostalgic

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Walking down the streets of Freeridge was nostalgic. Memories flashed through my mind of the many Summers spent in the neighborhood as a child. Police sirens blared as a car zoomed past whipping my hair in the wind.

My earbuds were wedged into my ears playing one of my favorite songs from my 'Life's Tracklist' playlist. A lone tear spilled from my eye trailing down my cheek as I continued to walk. A line of low riders cruised past with their black flags hanging from the rearview mirrors of their whips.

Another comrade has fallen. Another brother has fallen. Another father and son gone too soon. A chill traveled down my spine.

There were eyes on me. Someone was watching me. I was not phased in the least though.

I continued my trek to my destination letting out a sigh as a black car rolled up beside me. I did not have to turn to know who rolled up on me. Popping an earbud out of my ear then placing it into the case I spoke after shoving the case into my pocket.

"It's only another block. I'm fine", I stated continuing to walk.

"Get in the car, Gabriella", a familiar voice that I did not want to hear called from the car.

"I'm good, Auntie", I denied continuing to walk.

"Gabi, do not make me repeat myself. Get. In. The. Fucking. Car", my aunt ordered.

Usually, I would not cave to her demands, but today I did. I had no fight left in me at the moment. I was down as can be and she knew that as well as I.

The ride to the church was quiet between us. Neither of the three occupants on the car uttered a word to one another. The silence was only broken when we arrived at the church in front of the doors.

"We're here ma'am", announced my aunt's driver to which she thanked him before directing her attention towards me.

At first, she said nothing. She only stared me down as I refused to meet her gaze. I had no energy to deal with her bullshit today.

"Do not embarrass me, mi sobrina", Auntie ordered as her driver opened the door for her before wordlessly exiting the car with his help.

Funerals have never been my thing. I should be used to death by now. I should be immune.

I'm not. I'm not immune and I don't think I ever will be. Especially not when death hits me constantly so close to home.

So there I stood. Auntie was beside me as I blankly stared at the chestnut casket. He's gone.

"Sorry for your loss", they would say.

"We'll find them fools", they said.

I was numb. I just nodded my head like a bobble head. I said nothing, just nodded in acknowledgment of their words.

As a kid I thought that family was everything. That was what my parents taught me. It was engrained in my mind and engraved on my soul.

I could not see his smiling face anymore.

I could not hear his contagious laughter.

I could not find the warmth I once did in his embrace anymore.

His comfort and the many comforting words he used to utter to me, all were gone.

Gone in the rubble that remained once the raging fire was extinguished.

We couldn't even hold an open casket service for him. I still remember that day. I screamed.

I cried.

He was gone.

My papa was gone.

My papa is gone and my auntie was to blame.

Fuck family.

Family took my papa away from me.

Family got him killed.

He preached the importance of family. Family was on the same level as God in his eyes. It was his love and devotion for family that costed him his life.

So you see, I have to do what I have to do. For my papa, I will. For him I would do anything.

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