Metanoia

Void...

Void...

This is not what I’d expected to be doing tonight. Dan dragged me out to his favorite club to ‘hang out’ because he ‘missed me’. I could’ve spent the night with Lilith in my arms but I’m stuck here with an irritatingly flirty girl who says she ‘like totally into black guys’ and the scent of cigarettes and cheap perfume burning my nostrils as the neon lights and blasting bass of the music numb my other senses. I couldn’t take it anymore I shrugged the pasty fluorescent covered whiteboard of a woman off my arm and headed outside.
I stood in the ally where I first met Lilith trying to salvage what little fresh air there is. I glanced across the road and saw my girl trying to shrug off a very handsy guy and friend. I was about to bolt over when Lilith stomped on the man’s foot, kneed him in the groin and kicked him to the ground. The other guy collected a satchel to the head, she kick him to his knees and wrapped the bag strap around his neck. He struggled for breath.
That was not my girl, she couldn’t do something like that. This girl smiled and the man clawed for breath.

“Lilith!” I shouted from across the road.
Her smirk dropped to a grimace as she released him. A bus pulled in front of her before she could see me. I waited for the traffic to ease but once I got across, she was gone. Only the two guys half conscious on the ground being the only evidence I have.

To think that she could’ve handled herself that night we met was a surprise. She didn’t look like someone who knew hopes to defend herself. She can barely even talk to others. I sat back in the office chair of the basement studio. Writing anything today was out of the question but thankfully I had three other songs to get Dan off of my back with.
I’ve been despising being at home more everyday. The ability to swallow and tolerate was slipping from me. I haven’t seen my mother properly in days because I leave everything to the caretaker and she’s been asleep more often to avoid hurting herself again.

“Hey, did you punch one of my boys last night?” asked Dan as he stumbled in reeking of liquor. My nose recoiled from his must. He really needs to learn to shower, the man is walking proof of the ‘white people don’t bathe’ narrative.

“Probably. Didn’t care to remember,” I replied flatly.

“You can’t-.”

“Here’s the last three songs for the album. You should get them to your producer today. The deadline is tomorrow morning. Background samples are there too. Go if you don’t want him on your case again,” I said.

I shoved the drive in his hand and walked out. He was too drunk to follow and nag anyway.

I plop onto my bed with a tired sigh.

“How much more should I take?” I ask myself.
A question that had been haunting me. I was drained without having to do anything. Should I end this? Stop writing for him, shove my mother in a hospital and get the hell out of this prison? I couldn’t do that to my mom. She broke down once when my father abandoned her, she broke again when Dan’s dad died. I can’t abandon her like my father did. I refuse to be anything like him. I rubbed my chest remembering the beating I endured during his drunken episodes. He never took his anger out on mom. His motto of never hitting a woman stuck so he took it out on me since I was bound to be a man at some point .
A ping from my phone from tugged me out of my daydream.

“Just a message from you and life is already better.”

Lilith made it a habit to check if I’d eaten twice a day. One time I told her I forgot and she nagged me until she started apologizing and crying for nagging me. Her up and down personality was too adorable. I decided to mess with her and tell her I’d forgotten. Which resulted in her demanding that I come over, a long apology on not considering if I’m busy and a worried lecture on the importance of eating. By the time she’d done her lecture I was at my favorite bakery getting her favorite sweets knowing they were the one thing that pulled her out of her remorseful episodes. Telling her that everything was okay was like throwing water at a stone wall and expecting it to soften.
I had the code to her apartment so I let myself in. The scent of her cooking put me into a good mood instantly. My stomach loved her… food- loved her food.