organic. ➵ lashton

eight>

[warnings: WAY BACKSTORY, you basically find out why luke is the way he is lol, good for you, i cried whilst writing this, your welcome, bye]

[ships: luke hemmings + ashton irwin]

Still puzzled over his encounter with Calum, Ashton visited Luke in the hospital after his shift at the grocery store.

"Brought you some cereal from the cafeteria," Ashton murmured softly, opening the door and shutting it.

Luke's cheeks were stained with tears and he smiled faintly at Ashton.

"Thank you," he whispered politely, curling up in Ashton's arms as the older boy lay in bed beside him.

"Cuddles," Luke mused happily, pressing his nose into Ashton's shoulder and hiding himself there.

"You're so lovable. How could anyone wrong you?"

Ashton felt Luke tense and constrict and he knew he had touched on something deep.

"Lukey I'm-"

"Shh," Luke cut him off almost immediately, "shh, no, I'm... no. Please don't say anything."

So Ashton did as he said and didn't say another word, kissing his knuckles.

"Will you tell me soon?"

Luke shook his head a bit, and Ashton sighed, moving to get out of bed.

"Don't do that," Luke begged, "I'll tell you anything you want as long as you don't go."

Ashton thought of taking advantage of Luke's vulnerability, opening him up like a book to look at in exchange for a few hours of sleepy cuddling and messy kisses.

"Tell me why you're anorexic," Ashton said softly, and cringed at his wording, "let me try again. Tell me why you think you're fat."

Luke just stared at him, not saying a word until Ashton crawled into bed beside him and cuddled.

"My dad. H-He's gone now, but he always made these little jokes when I was a kid. He always told me, like, 'Luke, you better not eat that, you're gonna get chubby!' and it really sunk in to me when I got older. My mum kept feeding me, though. I think she felt bad. But after awhile I stopped eating because my dad was getting meaner and meaner."

Ashton held Luke tighter, feeling his breath hitch.

"H-He called me fat," Luke suddenly sobbed, his voice cracking like Ashton's heart, "and he started pushing me around sometimes. Like, 'get out of my way, fat kid,' and my mum, god, she was too nice to do anything about it... My brothers were the sporty kind, always muscled and in shape and I was just, this, this piece of shit son..."

Ashton combed the crying boy's hair, shaking his head and kissing his hair.

"Then when I was about a junior, he started working longer hours and I was able to eat dinner with just my mum and my brothers again. During my freshman year he didn't let me eat dinner, because he said it'd just make me fatter, but my mum always brought me something before bed. I wasn't even fat, Ashton... Believe me, I was a twig, everybody said so. I can show you pictures.

But one day, he came home early and I was sitting at the table with my mum and my brothers, just eating the spaghetti my mum had made and laughing at the conversation they were having. I guess I got on well with my brothers, we didn't, like, argue but they never really liked me like my mum did. But, my dad, he walked in and saw me eating... A-And he walked over and hit me. He hit me twice upside the head and told me to g-go to my room."

Luke's voice was shaking, just like his emaciated body. Ashton held him steady, though. A crutch. After a long pause, Luke spoke again.

"So, I did. He made my ear bleed, Ashton. My ear was bleeding, and I made myself throw up for the first time that night. I haven't eaten spaghetti since, Ashton. I hate it. I hate looking at it. That's why I didn't eat it when you made it for me, Ash, I'm so s-sorry, oh my god.."

Luke buried his face into Ashton's shoulder again and sobbed, the older boy's arms coming to wrap around him comfortingly.

"Thank you for telling me," Ashton whispered into his hair, drawing another strangled cry from the boy.

"You're gonna get better. Have you purged since that night?"

"Luke?"

Luke pulled himself away and nodded his head, a miserable look on his face.

"Okay. When's the last time?"

"Right after I first saw you... I felt like shit because I liked you but I'm disgusting."

"You've got to stop thinking that, beautiful," Ashton whispered, easing a hand behind Luke's ear to cup his neck.

"It's true, and I'm not beautiful."

"Is there any way I could talk to your mother, Luke?"

"I have her phone number, but I'd rather you didn't," Luke mumbled, continuing after seeing Ashton's puzzled reaction, "I don't want her help, I want yours."

The blonde boy wrapped his arms around Ashton's waist quickly, before he could respond, and pressed his cheek to his chest.

"Your heartbeat's fast."

"It gets like that around you."

"Does that mean you love me?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Stop being vague, Ashton."

"If my heart is a trustworthy source, yes, Luke. I am in love with you."

Luke pulled away from Ashton.

"Stop being mean to me."

"I'm not being mean!" Ashton said immediately.

"Yes, you are! You're being condescending!"

"I am not!"

"Ashton, I am not playing this game with you. You don't love me, that's okay. I didn't expect you to. You just like me as a friend and that's okay, okay?"

Ashton shrugged sheepishly. "I just don't think I'm ready to take on somebody like you yet."

And with Luke's change in emotion, Ashton knew that those were the worst words he could have ever said to him.

"Of course, because I'm huge and I probably count for about twenty people, and I'm fucking disgusting and screwed up in the head!" Luke screamed, his hands going under his shirt to tear at the small amount of skin there.

Ashton reached his hand out to Luke's shoulder but he ripped away.

"Don't you dare touch me. Get out."

Ashton could see the red, puffy lines that Luke's unkempt nails left on his stomach, and, while looking, he saw the scars on Luke's hips.

"Lukey, please..."

"Get out!" Luke shouted.

Ashton flinched and turned to grab his bag.

He looked back at his crying Luke, standing in the middle of the room and shaking like a weathervane in a high-wind storm.

Carefully, without breaking away from Luke's teary, grey-blue eyes, he pulled out a package of Bubbilicious gum from his bag.

He set it silently on the table.

The door slid shut.