organic. ➵ lashton

twelve>

[warnings: so sorry that this is later, i'm so tired and i forced myself to update lmao, i could be sleeping right now, or playing cookie clicker, same thing, look at the media and cackle please, wtf is fladybug what]

Luke was released from the hospital a few days later, and allowed to return to work. He and Ashton settled into a sort of schedule.

Wake up, cuddle, work, cuddle, fall asleep, repeat.

Their relationship was completely vanilla, no sex, no kissing had occurred since the few accidents. No dates had been mentioned. They were okay with it, too. Luke especially.

He was terrified of falling in love. Firstly, he didn't think anybody could fall in love with him, and secondly, he didn't know if he had any love for anybody else, for he had none for himself.

"Ashton," Luke whispered, sitting on the old couch in his living room and watching his kittens sleep, "babe."

But there was always room for petnames, especially where Ashton and Luke were concerned.

"Mhm?" Ashton nodded, turning to face Luke.

"Do you have to go in for work today?"

"Do you have to go in for work today?" Ashton retorted in the same tone, completely answering Luke's question.

Luke scowled playfully and rolled onto his back, covering the two places on his love-seat. His shirt sunk in where his stomach did.

"I wish you could stay," he said softly, sighing a little.

"Me too." Ashton walked over, giving Luke a long hug and patting his back gently, as if too hard of a touch would shatter the gaunt boy.

Luke smiled, his arms around Ashton's waist still as they pulled away.

"Gotta go," Ashton murmured, pulling away from Luke's determined grip. "Luke."

Luke giggled softly and let go of Ashton, watching him leave the room and exit the house to his car with a soft, "bye, Lukey."

Luke watched Ashton go with a distant sigh. He wished he could go along, but he knew that he himself had to work.

"Why is work," Luke asked his cat. "Why is work work?"

A tiny mewl was heard in response as Yolanda pressed her tiny cheek against Luke's hand.

Luke sighed. "You don't know either, do you, Landa?"

Yolanda let out a muffled meow and rolled onto her back indignantly.

"Okay."

Luke stood up on shaky legs and opened his phone, which had a timer going on it. He walked to the bathroom, crouching down to his knees in front of the toilet.

As his long fingers gently touched the very back of his throat, he shut off the timer and set his phone on the floor beside him. He felt bile rising, and continued coaxing his fingers further until he was vomitting into the toilet bowl, a mix of Ashton's salad from earlier and the tiny bite of grilled chicken he'd tried.

He felt bad, rejecting all of the food Ashton offered, but he had been doing so well.

Luke knew not to brush his teeth right after throwing up - because it stripped his enamel - so he decided to grab his old journal and flip through the odd entries.

Luke still isn't fully aware as to why he always wrote dear diary, since his diary was never very apt to listen to his thoughts and he often found himself tangled up in frantic scribbles, revisions, and syntax errors. But still he read and he continued to flip through the torn pages until he found handwriting that he didn't recognize.

Dear Diary,

   I love him.

Luke rolled his eyes, because he could just tell that it was Ashton's handwriting on the page, but he also became very scared. If Ashton had written on the last page of the notebook, who knows what else he could have read or flipped through.

Luke couldn't help but feel a bit betrayed that Ashton would have read his diary, and it felt like secondary school all over again.

Luke sighed softly and walked to clean his teeth. Once finished, he pulled on his spa polo and the same pair of khakis he'd been wearing for months. He was sick. Sick of the repitition, of waiting for the world, of wanting to run away and not look back. He wanted constant change.

He wanted to be skinny, that's what he wanted. Luke didn't think he was able to be happy until his weight dropped under eighty pounds, which is extremely unhealthy to any sane person.

Luke gently pats each of his cats on their heads and says goodbye to each of them by name as he texts Ashton about where he left the front door keys; under the mat behind the shrubs, as always.

It's a little bit of time before they're both back home and simply laying about, content in each other's company.

"Did you read my notebooks?" Luke suddenly asked, breaking the silence over the quiet sound of old Green Day songs playing in the background.

"Yeah," Ashton said bluntly. "I did. Did you see the note?"

Luke mirrored him. "Yeah. I did."

There's a pregnant pause of speaking that settles between them both, but it's soothing.

"Were you sad?"

"Of course I was sad, Luke."

Luke pinned his lips together, trying to think of something else to say, because the conversation was slowly getting awkward.

"I'm sorry," Luke mumbled.

Ashton chuckled, shaking his head fervently.

"Don't ever apologize for something you can't change."

-

SHORT CHAPTER BUT HEY I UPDATED