Russian Roulette: Flashbacks [male x male]

Ch. 40: This is nothing like I had expected

Now

Stepping out of the shower, Phoenix ruffled his hair with a towel before he dried himself off. He had taken the time to manscape properly, had shaven so diligently that he felt he had scraped off the outer layer of his face, and he had cut his nails, though they had mentioned something about getting their nails done.

If they had not used the 'for Jace' incentive, that would have been a resounding 'Hell no'. He was forty-two years old, he fucking knew how to cut his nails. Sighing, he let his aversions go. It was one day, one day where he would have to give in to traditions and other people's best intentions to make everything perfect. Phoenix was ok with accepting some small toll on what he would usually go along with.

Roarke waited for him in the bedroom where the leftovers from Jace's breakfast with his groomsmen still littered every surface. He dearly hoped that someone would take care of and remove that nastiness before he had to go back there.

"Took you long enough," Roarke commented with a smile and nodded at the clothes on the bed.

"Don't crawl up my ass for doing what you lot asked me to. I showered, shaved, and I'm ready to be prettied up." Phoenix pulled on the t-shirt, boxers, and casual slacks. There was no need to wear anything fancy. He had a tux for that later.

"I thought you were stalling."

"I was." Phoenix winked at him. "I'm ready if you are?"

Roarke led the way out of the apartment where he and Phoenix had gone to shower. Indigo had gone to his and Cloud's place to shower, with Yelfim using the extra bathroom. Aidan and Mal had gone to Aidan's apartment, and Richard, Yarro, and Gerson used the bathrooms at Richard and Devil's places.

They were supposed to meet in Richard's apartment for the hair and nails thing, that much Phoenix had understood, and he was happy that there would not be hair and nail clippings all over his floors. His OCD thanked everybody for that small blessing.

"So, how have you been?" Phoenix asked, walking the halls from his place to Richard's. He glanced at Roarke, who had seemed ok at the times he had come there for the planning and bachelor parties, but knowing Roarke, he kept his issues locked up tight.

"I'm tired. After we took down Vasyl, the market has been fairly quiet. Don't get me wrong, there are always new perverts to catch, but the word has spread. Gareth controls pretty much everything, and people think twice before doing anything to put them in his scope. Those not afraid of G-man are afraid of Vic."

"But?"

"I'm just tired, you know? I've been doing this my whole life, it seems. And I love what we've accomplished and would not change a thing. The people I've helped save, well, they help me sleep at night and serve as retribution for what I've done in order to save them." Roarke sighed and looked as tired as he claimed to be. His face showed the onset of worry wrinkles, and he rubbed them to make them go away. "I might need a change soon. I don't want to grow old alone."

That was one thing Phoenix understood with perfect clarity. His own need to not be alone, he had chased with Jace, and he was about to finally get that coveted state of togetherness. But Roarke had played a role his entire adulthood and had not been able to have relationships or trust in anybody outside Gareth's men because of what he did. His need to settle down, to be loved, and to share his troubles with someone was understandable.

"Have you met somebody, or is it just a dream for now?"

"I might have. I'm not sure. But I can't offer anybody anything if I'm still doing this. The horrors I see will drive us apart." Roarke sighed, shaking his head to rid himself of the melancholy that took hold of him. "I have to go undercover. I have to touch men and women in ways I find disgusting, and I sometimes have sex with them for work. That's messed up. What partner would accept that?"