The Memories of Ivy

Diamonds are piercing for the obsessive heart

I wasn't very fond of you to begin with
We were not even friends
Just classmates
I recall being a bit of a bug to you
Staring and being annoying
Flashing those bleep noises into your ear
I blocked out that you told me to stop
I should have listened

Of course we shared an English class
An ensemble role in the play
And mutual friends
We were also living in the same vicinity
I had moved into a house
Walking distance from yours
In the year everything changed
For you and I

I remember digging into a hole
The hole being your life
Your family, your social media
Every accessible picture you put online
Even a old Vine of you making money rain

My therapist didn't get it
Why I was so drawn to you
Why I was being a Joe Goldberg
Trapped in a young 13-year-old girl's body
I was clearly pushing the boundaries
So far off that I needed to pull back
But I didn't want to
I wasn't done
I wanted more of that feeling
An exhilarating feeling
The one you get when you're bout to fall
But managed to not actually drop
Makes my heart race a thousand miles

One night I did crossed the line
Came very close to the door
And then walked away
The morning after, I returned to the front
Shooting myself in the foot
With a finger gun
And walked away again

You knew I crossed the line
And told your mom about me
She did what was right
To protect you from me
A special RO to keep my distance
And it made me mad

I needed you like heroin
To kick my heart up thirteen notches
Otherwise I wouldn't know what to do
I had thought it would be better
If you and I didn't make it to 14
So my thoughts led to the finger gun
Becoming the real thing

I never wanted to wake up
From this impossible dream
Only to find that I was bout to commit
To a ward with kids like me
Kids who weren't like you
Damaged and fragmented minds
On the brink of ending it all for them
With a simple swipe
I knew I had to open my eyes
I just wasn't ready to leave this fantasy
Of you and I

Fast forward to some time after
I made a dial with my phone
Your mom picked up
She knew who I was
And I didn't have to say a word to prove it
My heart raced again and ended the call
Knowing I was in trouble
She asked for me to stop this
To stop everything I was doing
I asked to let go
So I accepted my fate
Remembering the consequences ahead
If I went any further

I let you go when I asked to
Maybe I shouldn't have had to ask

***

Reflection: during my time in middle school theatre, I had met another girl in the play. Someone I wasn't initially interested in, but I was more drawn than ever to pursue her the next year. I had written a little story about her and I that I won't delve deeper into, as it isn't impressive nor good.

Looking back, it did become clear that I was obsessed with her and that she wanted me to stop, but I couldn't. I didn't want to stop. What I had done to her wasn't okay nor morally right. I was told to stay away and to make sure the school kept it that way, I signed an agreement that I was to have no contact with her. I wasn't informed of how long it would be but after a while I grew mad.

I was in a bad headspace and ended up in my first hospital stint, about a week after I signed the paper. Spent 10 days there, not wary what I did was wrong and after I left the hospital, I still kept going. At the end of the year, I even switched schools when administration found out I had breached the contract three times.

This girl was the hardest one to let go of, as it took me several years to do it. I even had to tell her mother that I will stop if she doesn't press charges on me. I agreed and she did too. Not exactly the way I wanted it to go, but at least I'm content with the decision I made.

I still do regret everything I did for her and all the thoughts I had about her, but if it hadn't happened, the shit between her and I, I wouldn't be here in the "now" with the people I know and love.