The Memories of Ivy

Bound by this twin flame

It began with a name
A name I believed would catch on
As you matured and grew up
On your tragic little journey
While I continued to age,
You, however, remained immortal
In mind, soul, body, and age

When we met, you were a bad person
No way in hell capable of being good
Not of sound mind and driven by madness
Seeking to play your unfair, petulant games
With selected victims from the table

You liked the hunt, and so did I
Playing the role of the wicked hunter
And everyone the worthless prey
Never liked it when the tables turned
Where we're pinned to our backs
Facing the dangerous side of the weapon
Having a bullet or the blade be the undoing
The end of our chapter together

Years go by, your presence still lingered
Swept under the rug like every other
Person that didn't stay long enough
In my mind, a piece of you stayed
Your name and your face
It started to look more like mine
Right when I made those drastic changes
To my own physical appearance
A change for the better, to be different
Distancing myself from who I used to be
Who I didn't want to be

Following unforeseen circumstances,
You returned to me
However you weren't the same unhinged,
Maniac you once were when I left you
You looked at the very least, empty
Lost without words
Searching for meaning, for redemption,
For hope and all its glory
You were in dire need
And I was the only one who can help
Thankfully I obliged
And you were reborn

I repainted you with a new image
A new style and personality
Only retaining your name
And few pieces of your original puzzle
You were deserving of better
Something more than your dastardly,
Provincial and childish life
A life that I pitied and still despised
Only because you were like me
When I was young
Alone, scared, quiet,
And a little insatiable

I let you live way past your expiration
Because your story isn't exactly finished
Now I'm afraid to let you go
To let you live within the strokes of ink
Where my dreams become your reality

Is it better to bid farewell to you
And immortalize you in the pages,
While I move on to living my fruitful life?
Maybe so, but whatever happens,
We are bound for this life

***

Reflection: so if you haven't already guessed, assuming that you read my previous work, this is about Kate Vincent. I wanted to write a poem about her, because she meant so much to me and I wasn't sure how to say goodbye to someone who has stuck with me through the thick and thin of my teen years.

I was just 12 when I began writing about her. I said it before and I'm saying it again, but Kate was never meant to be written as the main character. She was supposed to be the antagonist, a reclusive, psychopathic kid who wanted nothing more than revenge. Back then, I was in a bad headspace at the time, as I took on some of her personality traits, and I had several breakdowns and became really depressed. I also lost the flash-drive, containing my only copy of the original story, resulting in a downward spiral that put me in and out of psychiatric treatment.

I'm still in the midst of getting my shit together, because in the end I'm not 100% healed and whole. I'll be around and then again not around to finish the rest of Kate's story because I'm trying to get my life in order. Even though I spent nearly half my life building and crafting the character of Kate, I'm still standing here with less than 100% of what I have of her. And I'm not gonna settling with less.

If her story is gonna take as long as until I reach my peak performance, then so be it. I will take as long as I can to finish her story.