The Memories of Ivy

The princess and the outsider

You were a princess out of Disney movies
At least that's what came to mind
When I had laid eyes on you
On the day of spring play callbacks

I was adjusting myself again
At my first year in a new high school
Still in the middle of construction
And the main buidling yet to be finished
Needed a new lunchroom
That wouldn't be there until next year

I didn't meet you until the next semester
When the drama department was holding
The callback auditions for the spring play
I met you as the drama club president
A senior with an impressive track record
Your extracurriculars were mostly fine arts
And you weren't the overachiever type
That'd be wracked in college letters
But you had this natural bubbliness to you
It wasn't fake nor phony,
You were just...sweet

I couldn't talk to you that day
I was feeling a little intimidated
About talking to an upperclassmen
Who didn't know me nor my history
With girls like you
All I knew that day
Was that I felt the click

The same click I felt with the others
Only this it came so fast
I was so prepared to regain control
Over the emotions and impulses
I wasn't ready, however, to tell you

I remember meeting you that day
After school was over
I asked to meet by the stairs
Before we officially came face to face
I observed your patient self waiting for me
You wore your red drama hoodie
As you had play rehearsal later

To be real honest
I didn't know how to approach you
Still intimidated by your
So I bucked up and walked to you
I said your name for the first time
And you turned around
Facing me, as we make eye contact

I remember you letting me down politely
You had a boyfriend
And you were committed to him
I did struggle taking in the newsflash
I wasn't ready to let go of it
Let go of the potential of something good

I began working backstage for the play
Where you were in one of the lead roles
Initially I wanted to stand on the stage again
And to feel what it was like to perform
For the first time in a long time
As I had taken a step back from theatre
When I had my fresh start in 8th grade

Looking at it again through rose lens
I begin to wonder if I was using it
As an opportunity to get close to you
You were still a girl I was interested in
And I didn't want to lose the chance
In getting to know you before you graduate
And leaving to pursue university

During rehearsals, I missed these chances
Of talking to you
Either you were in a conversation
With someone else
Or I was not being ballsy enough
To get your attention

I personally felt left out
Not just by you but by everyone with you
I wanted to be part of the bond
You had with your cast
This special bond that can't be replicated

For a single solitary moment
I wanted to fall from high up
Whenever the opportunity presented itself

Realizing my problem was beyond serious
You confided in the school admin
And they pulled me aside to aid me
As you weren't the right person to help me
At first, I remember being angry
For you snitching, for telling school admin
But soon I came to understand your choice
It really was the right thing to do

I also realized it wasn't fair of me
Putting you through that, in a position
Where you could've lost me
But I needed help, proper professional help
The kind of help you couldn't offer me
Eventually I took it, the help
And made sure I stayed safe, in good hands

We didn't say goodbye after you left school
But I knew that I had to let you go
I only wish nothing but the best for you

***

Reflection: sorry that this poem is fairly long, but to be honest a lot happened in the last few months of my freshman year of high school. I fell into another bout of depression and to alleviate the pain I took it upon myself to chase after this girl. She knew what she wanted and she was a great person to talk to, but I wasn't in the best mindset and gave off some very sus vibes. She didn't find me as off-putting as others have found me, but she did know I needed help.

When I had committed to my second psychiatric hospital stint, she was the first person I had called during my stay. I only called her to let her know I was sorry for the things I did in the past, and she didn't want me to worry about it. It felt good to hear her, knowing it would be the last time.

When I followed her up on social media, she had broke up with her high school sweetheart, months after graduating high school. She also got married to a new man and legally changed her last name.

Though I did have some feelings for her, I am happy for her. She found love with her new husband. Not that I have to be happy for her, but I genuinely am. I had gotten closure from her after calling, so I'm completely okay with living my life without having to keep the memory of her in it.