Forced Reconciliation

13.

Andi Rhoades

"Okay guys, c'mon one more day and then we all have a long weekend ahead of us."

I get a few hums and responses in return as all of my students find their seats before we get class started. It's Friday, it's been a week since Harry's birthday, and a week of me sitting with all my thoughts and emotions, trying to figure out what they mean.

I'm waiting for the right moment to have the conversation that I've been dreading with Harry. There's a part of me that's terrified that I'll bring it up and instead of pushing us ahead in our parental relationship, it knocks us down and we have to start at the bottom. I can't do that. What we have going right now is really good, all things considered.

We've obviously shown that we can communicate and parent together when it comes down to it, but I'm scared that we're only able to do that because we've just scratched the surface when it comes to our own issues.

I'm spending a couple of days of my long weekend at my mom's in Fresno, and I'm leaving right after school gets out. I had offered to take at least Ellie with me, to give Harry a break, but he insisted that he would be fine and he owed it to me since I would be on my own for the next six months come April.

I do feel a little guilty leaving him alone with them, he truly never gets a break unless he has to work and they're at daycare. We're still searching for a nanny that we like and feel is qualified to be around the kids.

I've learned just how picky Harry is when it comes to the kind of people he wants around Ellie and Rome, and I'll admit that it makes my heart do a funny thing whenever he shoots down someone simply if they look at us the wrong way.

After knowing what I do about Ellie and Harry's relationship, and how she was basically the thing that got him to stop drinking, it makes every interaction the two of them have that much more precious. He loves her so much, and she's lucky to be loved by him.

Being loved by Harry Styles is one of the greatest experiences of my life.

I'm snapped back into reality when the tardy bell rings and when I look out into my classroom full of students, I can't help but laugh at just how done they all look. They tend to get like this on Friday's and I'll admit it makes it hard to get anything done when they're so checked out already, but I can't blame them.

"Alright! Today's the day you're handing in your emotions project. Like I said, I'm not going to read them, out of respect for your privacy, but I do want to have some sort of discussion over anything you might have learned."

After some chatter, I instruct everyone to hand in their essays where I collect them and place them in a folder to save inside a cabinet. When I planned this assignment, I didn't know what exactly I was going to do with twenty kids' most vulnerable feelings written down, but I've decided that for now, I'll just save them until they graduate and then give them back in hopes that they can reflect on any growth they've experienced.

"Have any fun plans this weekend, Miss Rhoades?"

"I'm going to visit my mom up in Fresno, actually. Only for a couple of nights, though," I tell them.

They seem satisfied with my answer enough to hopefully let me continue on with class. I don't mind telling my students about some parts of myself and my personal life, I like to be as relatable with them as I can. But sometimes I have to make sure I'm not crossing any lines when it comes to how they view me and telling them too much about my personal life would definitely be crossing one of those lines.

"Did you always want to be a teacher?" Will asks me as everyone is passing in their essays.

I nod, "I think so, I knew I wanted to work with kids somehow. Thought about being a psychologist, but I think teaching is better suited for me."