Forced Reconciliation

32.

a/n: this chapter begins the night of the concert before andi and the kids surprised H. enjoy <3

Harry Styles

I've been struggling.

I'd never tell Andi, but not having her and the kids around at all times has been ten times harder than I ever imagined. Every morning I find myself disappointed when I wake up to an empty hotel room rather than kisses from my girls

While it's been incredible to get back to doing what I love, being in front of the fans and performing, I wouldn't hesitate to give it all up if it meant Andi could be here with me. I do feel a little bit of guilt when those kinds of thoughts cross my mind, but at the end of the day, Andi, Ellie, and Rome are my number one priority and they'll always come first.

It's been over a week since I left them, and ever since I got in the car to head to the airport, I can't help but feel like I left a part of me with them. I'm happy, sure, but there's a dull ache inside me that I can't seem to shake, and I know that it's because I'm homesick for them.

In the last week, I've had a lot of time to think about my relationship with Andi now that I'm without her. I almost laugh at how quickly we both fell right back into one another, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It makes sense, though. The love between us has always been there, it never left. We just needed something to guide us back to each other in order to reignite what we once felt.

And now that the fire's been lit, it's burning brighter than ever.

I never imagined that I could feel this way about someone. I had always thought that Andi and I were madly in love the first time around, but if that's what I was calling love back then, I have no fucking clue what to call what I'm feeling now.

Tonight is my first show in London, and the fact should be setting my soul on fire. I should be bouncing off the walls with excitement, but I'm just... not.

As I sit in my dressing room, waiting to be called to head out so I can assume position under the stage before the show, my mind wanders to what could be. I think about Andi chasing Ellie around while she runs around backstage trying to say hi to everyone. I imagine Andi's perfect smile as she leans in for a good luck kiss before I go on.

Everything would be better if they were here.

"Hello darling," My mum's soft voice pulls me from my thoughts as she enters my dressing room. I only hum with a nod in response to greet her.

I know that she deserves more from me, but I just don't have anything to give her. I don't have anything to give anyone lately. I feel completely drained of any life and emotion.

At night, I'm lucky to get more than three hours of sleep, none of which are consecutive. After sleeping next to a literal angel every night for the last two weeks, it's made getting any sort of rest without her virtually impossible. I had grown so accustomed to the feeling of her weight against my chest as she fell asleep, the little puffs of air that would escape her lips while I watched her dream, and the warmth of her dainty fingers that would subconsciously intertwine with mine.

I miss her, and it's literally tearing me apart being away from her.

"Harry, you have almost twenty thousand people out there waiting for you. That's something to be excited about isn't it? Something tells me that tonight will be a good night."

My mum has always been a half glass full type of person, and while I've always felt that I inherited that from her, I feel it dwindles down more and more as each day passes that I spend apart from Andi.

Rubbing the heel of my palms against my eyes in hopes to wake me up, I glance back to my mum who's moved to sit next to me on the couch. "I am excited, and I am grateful. I wouldn't want anyone to think that I wasn't either of those things, but I look for her every night, mum. Every night I scan the crowd, hoping I'll find them even though I know I won't. And you know what the worst part is?" She shakes her head no. "I still let myself get fucking disappointed when I don't find them."