Heal me // A Jikook Trilogy //

《11》Moments of Bliss

And so I kept meeting Jimin.
Despite the risk and the worry.
Because I couldn't help myself.
Because even if the walls crumbled around me and all the curtains I had sawn by myself kept falling, letting in the light of truth, I couldn't let go of him.
Even if I would have to pay for it later.

Even knowing that if Suho found out- a beating would be the last of my problems.

I risked it all for the few hours a week where I got to sit next to him on the rooftop, the world around us growing colder and darker, but we found a little light in each other every time, warming us.

But it was the times without Jimin I was struggling with.
The things I had been blind to- willingly so.
The truth I had given acknowledgment to now staring blatantly in my face.

I had joined X-EXO with Suho's promise of a place where I would belong.
A reason to live on when I had been at my lowest.
What a fool I had been!

I had been fed crumbs of affection and lies and bought them like the Bunny they named me after.
This wasn't a family and there was no love to find here.

Suho, who always preached me to not show my weakness had used me since the day we met.

How could I have endured Sehun's endless picking on me just so he would feel better about himself?

How did I think someone like Kai, who had taken one look at the scrawny kid I was and decided to loath me just because I wasn't perfect in his eyes, would ever accept and respect me?

D.O. was little more than an empty black hole who couldn't care less and Chanyeol's pranks were not funny, only cruel.

And Chen... well, I would bet all that I had on the fact it was him Suho had sought out to ask how to best fool me and keep me on a tight leash.

Baekhyun was little more than a crazy drug addict with anger management issues and Xiumin... Well, I couldn't tell why the hell he was even brothering with living seeming that everything bored him to death.

And then there was Suho.

My idol.
The person I had looked up to.

I saw it now.
That given the choice, he would always, without a doubt, choose that crown on his head over me.
Over any of us.

Not like Namjoon, though I never met him.

But Jimin had told me enough.
Enough to show me all the wrong choices I made.
All the wrong praise I held for my leader.
Yes, he'd saved my life.
But for what?
To only put me in yet another prison?

All these thoughts wouldn't let go of me.

I felt more hopeless with every second I was with them.
I couldn't just leave as Jimin had proposed.
Where would I go?

I couldn't go to BTS, even if I wanted to.

Even if Namjoon might accept me if Jimin asked.
It was all Suho needed.
The excuse to start his war, and I would be the reason.
And in war there were always casualties.

And though Jimin always liked to think he knew me so well, I was beginning to know and understand him too.
And he loved those boys he called brothers.
And if one of them got hurt because of me... he wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes again and neither could I, knowing I caused the pain in them.

I couldn't risk it.
So I stayed.
Kept partying with X-EXO, kept dealing drugs, kept up sleeping with random girls while the drugs made me halfway willing.

Kept seeing all the poor choices I made.

Only meeting Jimin helped.

It's what had lead me up here the third time this week.
I just had to see him.
Just needed to forget for a while.