Heal me // A Jikook Trilogy //

《13》That Which was Never Meant to Be

There was a knock on my door.

I had hoped they wouldn't notice.

The party downstairs was in full swing, the beat of the music causing the water in the glass on my nightstand to ripple to the rhythm.

I rose from my bed the moment the door opened, then froze, my blood heating in contradiction as Suho came in.
I hadn't been able to meet his eyes since Jimin told me about Kyung-Ho and Namjoon's past. About what Suho had done.

"Hey there, Bunny," he said and didn't ask for entry as he already closed the door behind him and came over to sit at the edge of my bed.

"What's going on?"

He seemed relaxed, leaning back on his hands as he looked me over.
For the first time, I wondered where he had gotten that little scar on his temple from.
Was it when Namjoon had beaten him bloody in front of his brothers grave?

"I'm not feeling good. I think I'm getting sick."

I was sick.
Sick of seeing him and knowing what he had done.
Of knowing what I was a part of.

"Oh, let me see," he immediately replied and reached out to touch my forehead.

The touch made my skin tingle as I fought with my confusing emotions.
I knew he was not the god-like creature I had seen him as.
He was a cruel, egoistic drug-lord.
And yet also the man who saved me. No matter what it lead me into, I still wouldn't be here if not for him.

He let out a sigh and pulled his hand away again.

"You don't feel hot. How about you come downstairs and we'll lighten up your spirit?"

"I'm not in the mood."

His gaze darkened.

"I'm not asking, Bunny."

I swallowed thickly and had to look away.
Suho sighed again and then spoke in a low voice that sounded like he actually cared.

"You've been so distant lately. Is it because of what you did to DK? Maybe it was too soon to send you to do it. Perhaps I should have waited a bit longer."

"I'm fine," I snapped and didn't mean it.
He glanced my way again, something shimmering in his eyes.
Something that looked like concern, but I no longer fell for that.

"I still remember the boy you were when I found you under that bridge in the middle of winter. Exactly two years ago now, right? You know what I saw in your eyes that day? What made me take you in? I saw myself not so long before that. Saw how you were ready to give up."

I balled my hands into fists under my blanket.
I didn't want to think about it.
Didn't want to give him another ounce of my gratitude, even if he saved me that day.

"I was close once too, you know. To just... give up everything."

When? Before or after he got high with a boy he had called his best friend and basically led him down the path to his suicide?
Or when he had the audacity to show up at his funeral and add only more pain to a grieving family?

"I wasn't always the person I am today. I had to learn the hard way that love is weakness. That hoping for a better life is nothing but stupid make belief. That you can't wait for anyone to help you. You have to help yourself. Make yourself strong. That's all I want for you, Jungkook. To get strong so this world won't be so hard anymore. Just trust me. I'll teach you to be strong. All I ever did or said- it was all for your own good, even if it didn't seem so at the time. Now come. I have to show you something downstairs."