Drown in You

34. Sorry

"Hmm, a movie set?" Cal mused.

I nodded. "Yeah, and it's just till filming is over. Nothing long term."

"I know, you said that already," he grumbled. "Just let me think."

"Sorry," I muttered, clutching my fork tightly in my hand as I stared down at the food in front of me. Maybe dinner wasn't the best time for this conversation– I completely ruined my appetite.

After a few minutes, I carefully snuck a glance at Cal. He was still scowling at the wall in front of him, deep in thought. My stomach knotted itself as I wondered what he could be thinking. The longer the silence continued I worried there was no way he'd say yes.

Part of me wondered why I should even have to worry about getting his permission– what was it, exactly, that made him in charge of me?

But quickly, I remembered that Cal was all I had. Noah had appeared like a fairytale prince and gave me this glimmer of hope, but as hard as I was clinging on to that hope, I couldn't afford to let go of the stability I had in Cal. Not yet. Because I knew, at the end of the day, that if nobody else out there would love me, at least Cal would– because he needed me just as much as I needed him. That was the fucked up root of our relationship. But what could I do about it anyway? The thought of being alone terrified me more than Cal's control complex and anger issues ever did.

So here I was, waiting anxiously for him to give me permission to get a job.

Suddenly, Cal spoke again. "Do you think you could get me Taylor Dalton's autograph? Since you'll be on set and all."

My head shot up. "Does that mean I can apply for the job?"

He sighed. "Yeah, whatever. Don't look so happy about it. You're annoying when you're talkative."

I cracked a tight-lipped smile. "Taylor Dalton, huh? What's so hot about her?"

Cal was bi.

"Your gay ass wouldn't understand," he said, getting up from the table.

I was not.

I stood up and followed him, teasing. "Come on, tell me! Is it cause she's blonde? I bet it's cause she's blonde. You know I used to be blonde too right?."

It's true– there's a photo of me as a little kid with dirty blonde hair. Over time it darkened into the medium brown that it is now.

"Ah shut the fuck up, would you? I told you not to get all hyper!" He yelled and slammed his dish into the sink. "I have a headache."

I stumbled backwards, fear rushing into me at the loud noises. "S-sorry."

Petrified, I watched him take a deep breath, probably counting to ten in his head like he learned in anger-management class, his knuckles white on the countertop.

Cal was really moody. One second, he was happy and the next, mad. It was like the flip of a switch, and I could never quite get the hang of predicting it.

Sometimes I was afraid he would hit me. He'd only ever done it once, two years ago. It was not too long after we left the group home and we were stressed out over finding a place to stay. We had a huge argument and he pinned me down to stop me from walking out on him. I had a huge panic attack and he ended up apologizing– he promised to get better and work on his moods, but after a short period of extra niceness, not too much changed.

There's nothing stopping him from doing it again.

Seeing him this mad over something so small never got easier. I could feel myself beginning to lose it. Luckily, I'd gotten better at coping in the last 5 years. And, I knew that at times like this avoiding Cal and giving him some space was for the best.

"I'm going to go for a walk," I said, slipping on my shoes and opening the front door.

Cal ignored me, brooding.

•••

I was walking aimlessly down the street, feeling detached from everything around me, when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.

Please don't be Cal.

I crossed my fingers as I pulled out the phone and checked the caller ID.

I didn't have the number saved, but I recognized it anyway– I'd done enough staring at that business card to recognize Noah's number anywhere.

I picked up immediately. "Hello?"

"Hey!" Noah sounded cheery. "I was just calling to ask you if you still want me to hook you up with that job?"

Oh, right. The job. I was so focused on me and Cal's argument I'd forgotten that was how it started. I wondered if Cal would be mad if I got the job now. He technically never revoked his "permission," but it was impossible to know what he was thinking. I decided to take my chances– I wanted this. This job was like freedom. Or at least, a first step.

"If you can," I answered. "I really appreciate it."

"I'm happy to help! I'll text you the application info."

"Thanks."

"No problem," Noah replied. There was a short hesitation before he continued, "You know, I'm really glad we got in touch. Part of me was worried you would never call."

"Sorry," I said, trying to find a way to explain why I'd hesitated so much. I still wasn't sure what made me decide to call. "I was just..."

Noah cut me off. "No, it's ok! You don't have to explain. I'm just glad we got to see each other again... I really missed you."

Suddenly, I felt a twinge of anger inside me. The kind I hadn't felt in weeks. The kind I'd felt  seeing him on TV for all those years. He missed me? He missed me?? Before I could stop myself, I had to ask. I had to find the answer to the question that had tortured me for 5 years. "Then why did you leave?"

"What?" There was genuine confusion in his voice.

"You heard me," I said quietly, my emotions building from anger into pain.

"I don't–" Noah's voice was cut off by a distant yelling in the background. I heard the muted sound of him yelling something back before he spoke into the phone again. "Hey, I have to go, I'm so sorry. Can we talk about this more another time?"

I sighed. I didn't want to talk about it ever. I didn't even know why I brought it up. "Ok."

"I'll text you the application info."

"Ok," I said again. "Thanks."

And just like that, he hung up the phone. I'd barely finished speaking. What just happened?

I sighed and put my head in my hands, my throat aching with the feeling of tears that couldn't fall.

What a shitty evening.

A/N
In the last week I noticed there have been a lot of new readers, so I just want to say hello and thank you so much for reading!! I feel a bit more pressure now haha, I hope I can live up to your expectations and I hope you enjoy the story :))

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