If I could tell you || Chanlix

04

And what do I do when the
distance is too wide?

* * *

It's been a couple of weeks since Chan left, and to say the least, I'm miserable. I miss him already, and Christmas is about to come. I hate being in this situation, always wanting something I can't have.

Adding to my misery is that Chan and I barely communicate. He's way too busy now; even Soyeon Noona is feeling conflicted about their choices. Ryujin's been telling me that Soyeon Noona wants to go back because Chan's not acting like himself. We don't know either; she said he's too busy and has been stressing out with work there.

I texted him the other night, but he's still not responding. I'm worried too; I really want to visit him, but I myself am busy too. I'll be spending my break with Ryujin. She said she wants to take me on a date this coming Christmas Eve. I don't know what she's up to, but I still agreed. I have to make things work with her because I've been lacking recently. I never really became that boyfriend material she's wanting me to be. She understood and waited, so I think she deserves my time. She's always been that perfect understanding girlfriend anyway.

* * *

Another week passed, and Chan still hasn't responded. We haven't heard from Soyeon Noona in a week; seems like they are okay now.

Right now, I'm at Ryujin's place, and her roommate, Chaeryeong, is here too with her girlfriend, Lia. The three of us are in the living room; the couple said they'll spend Christmas Eve here while watching movies since Ryujin and I will go on a date and probably spend the night somewhere.

After a few minutes of waiting, Ryujin finally stepped out of her room, dressed so nicely, so beautiful like she always is.

"Ohh! Look at that girl ready to get laid!" Chaeryeong teased the moment Ryujin walked near me. I chuckled at her remarks, especially when Ryujin blushed. I stood up and reached for her, giving her a peck on her lips, "I can just have her anytime even if she's not dressed this beautifully," I answered, hyping Chaeryeong even more.

The girls laughed at my response while Ryujin smacked my shoulder, whispering, "pervert," to me.

After a few more teases, we left the place and drove to where Ryujin wanted to go. We first went to a small simple restaurant near the university we attended before; it's the restaurant where we usually eat when we are still studying. It feels nostalgic coming back to a place where you usually stayed before, and I remember, Chan was the one who told me about this place. A cozy restaurant with cheap yet delicious food.

"Do you remember, we used to study here together for exams?" Ryujin said while eating her favorite dish in this place. I nodded at her and answered, "Of course, you like eating while studying," I teased.

"Yeah, and you like being mean, teasing me and saying that I gained weight even if I didn't," she sassily responded, making me laugh.

"I just like it when you're angry; it's cute."

"Whatever, Felix." We giggled then continued eating.

The time passed, and it was already 9 PM when we left the restaurant. I don't know what she's up to, but she asked me to walk around the area while holding hands, like how we usually do things before when we were still studying. Ryujin keeps asking for us to take photos together in every place we go, just like how we used to do before. The next thing I knew, we were already in a small park she liked staying in a lot when she was stressed in school.

This place is perfect; the view up here is relaxing because you can see the city lights from here. Also, there are only a few people who know this place because it's a bit high, and you need to walk on long stairs. This place is also near our old school; we just like finding places together, and this one was one of those memorable places for us.

"You asked me out here," she said. We both are standing near the fence which blocks anybody from falling on the cliff. We're both looking at the view while her head is resting on my shoulder and her arms wrapped around my arm.

"Hmm, I remember," I answered. This was indeed the place where I asked her out for the first time; this was also the place where I told her that I wanna court her, and this was also the place where I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she said yes. So many memories in one place.

We went silent, a comfortable one. We're too focused on the view we're seeing. We were so quiet for a long time that I think we already spent a good 30 minutes standing in the same spot.

"We kissed here for the first time and shared our first 'I love yous' in here too," after a long time of silence, she spoke again.

I looked at her, and her eyes were now closed while a small smile was plastered on her beautiful face. I watched her angelic face until that smile vanished with her eyes opened. She moved to face me, so I moved to get a clearer view of her too.

She smiled, a genuine smile while looking up at me. She lifted both her hands and caressed my cheeks, still wearing that beautiful smile of hers.

"You're so beautiful," she said, making me chuckle.

I lifted my right hand to touch and play with her hand that was resting on my cheek, "you're the most beautiful thing I ever had," she added. I smiled and finally got her one hand to kiss it gently.

I saw her smile fading. Her genuine smile is slowly being replaced by a sad yet hopeful smile. She let go of my grip on her one hand and caressed my cheeks once more before planting a quick kiss on my lips, "I love you," she said.

Yet again, like the other time, I had a hard time answering. She smiled once again then took my lips for another kiss. A slow, passionate kiss, and longer than earlier. She moved away, her forehead resting on mine, there's a few seconds of silence until she whispered, "let's break up."

I watched her. Her eyes were still closed and her forehead was still resting on mine.

"I just thought that doing everything we did for the first time together in the same place as our last would be the best Christmas gift I can give to myself." She finally moved away from me; she opened her eyes and looked directly into my eyes with a sad smile.

"Ryujin," I whispered. I don't understand; why is she suddenly asking to break up?

"Shh, don't worry. I'm all fine, and you will be too," I didn't answer.

She stared at me sadly before speaking again, "you're not mine anymore, Felix. I've... I've lost you... I've lost you a long time ago but I was just too desperate to win you back but I failed," she held my hands, kissing the back of my palm as I witness her tears slowly fall down of her beautiful eyes.

"I hoped that you'll be back, I hoped that I'll win you back, I waited for you to answer me back when I said I love you, I was hoping until the last minutes of us being together but... I don't have you anymore, you were way too far already, and I can't run and chase you back because someone or something has already owned your heart. I already lost the battle even before I noticed the war."

She smiled again, she smiled again like she was fine. I couldn't watch her smile, so I looked on the ground, "let's finish things where it started," she added.

"I'm sorry," was the only thing I could say. I can say no and just hug her back to save our relationship, but I can't lie to her and to myself anymore. I can't act anymore; if I'm too ruined and broken, I don't want to tag her along anymore. She's right; this is better this way.

"It's okay; don't feel bad." With that, I hugged her. I hugged her tight.

"Thank you," I whispered.

I can't blame her; I messed up our relationship so much. So if she got tired, I have no right to question it anymore. I fell out of love first; it was me who brought us up here, and her, taking a step forward to make things better for us both was the bravest decision she ever made that I will be thankful for the rest of my life.

"I love you, you know that I still do, right?" And now, suddenly those words felt so easy to say.

She nodded, "I know, but not that way anymore, and I'm thankful for that."

I smiled while hugging her and whispered once again, "Thank you."

2022.12.11
strayradish_