If I could tell you || Chanlix

08

If I could tell you everything I see,
If I could tell you how you're everything to me

* * *

Chan stayed with me until midnight but soon left that very moment Soyeon Noona called him to come over to her parent's home. Well, saying that I'm not pissed and jealous was definitely a lie because I am so pissed but I couldn't peep a word since I'm technically the side whore in their relationship.

I still feel bad doing this, but I feel great having him even if it's just for a day, and I'm not sure if he's being real or if this is some kind of bullshit prank or just a product of my stupid, desperate imagination. I don't know if those words he said were real if those actions were true, or if he was really mine, I don't know.

I can't even make myself feel better by thinking about the assurance of having Chan because I believe he wasn't really mine. He is someone else's lover. Having the thought that there's someone else makes my stomach crumble; it makes me want to throw up. And to think of it, I am the side whore, how pleasing...

So, here I am now. Once again alone, sitting on my couch while in my pyjamas, feet laying on the centre table, a hot chocolate in my right hand, and watching some stupid Christmas movie recommendation from Netflix that I probably have already watched years ago, how convenient...

"Fuck," I mumbled right when I tried to move my hips to get a much more comfortable sitting position. I can't even get a nice rest without making my fucking arse hole sore.

Now I feel like crying.

Crying about the fact that I'm alone again and the only trace of Chan I have right now is my aching butthole. This is just so fucking pleasing.

Oh! Don't get me wrong, the sex was good; I would gladly do it over and over again with Chan, definitely! It's just the stupid sore after the fucking nice sex was hell.

No... I should probably stop talking about the soreness after sex; this makes the mood confusing. I myself feel confused. I get excited thinking about Chan, but I get sick thinking about him being with Soyeon Noona right now. I feel like I'm in heaven at the thought of those I love yous we shared yesterday, but I feel like I'm in hell right now that he's not here with me, watching a stupid Christmas movie.

I feel happy knowing how he felt for me, but I feel conflicted about believing it.

What if he only said that so he could fuck me? What if he just wanted to experience having sex with a guy but couldn't afford to look for a random man for a one-night stand, so he just ran off to his best friend, who was unfortunately in love with him? What if he was just confused last night because he and Soyeon Noona fought? What if he...

"WHAT!?" I stopped having a train of thought when an annoying doorbell started ringing repeatedly.

I stood up and walked to my door to open it, and the moment it opened there was a standing Chan, already in a different set of clothes, looking straight at me. "I've been kicking the door for hours but you won't answer," he plainly said, so I rolled my eyes at him.

"Don't be so dramatic," I answered, then started walking back to the couch.

I heard him chuckle, but I ignored him and just sat back down in my previous seat and asked, "Why are you here? I thought you'd spend the night with the Jeon's?" I asked while pretending to focus on the TV like I didn't care about Chan's presence beside me.

He sat beside me, and I could feel his stare. He cleared his throat before making me look at him by gently guiding my cheek to look in his direction. He didn't say anything; no words or sounds came out of his mouth; he was just staring at me, which made my heart pound hard. And the next thing I knew, he was already kissing me.