Life Changing Memories

VI

Doubts

Stop doubting and let yourself be free.

Having doubts and losing grasp? Minsan sa buhay natin, nawawalan tayo ng gana sa mga bagay-bagay. We thought the opposite. Here it is, we should be positive but we can't do. Why? Simply because we still lurking deep within and held ourselves tightly not giving chance to flee.

Ilang beses na ba? Maraming beses na, I even lost counts. The pressures which I'm struggling which break me apart. I thought, I can't do it. My positive and lively soul died in that matter. Colors of life? It was no use. Hope? I don't feel any of it, so dull. My whole being became numb. Simply, the news I received.

See? A news, iyon lang ang dahilan para mawala ng gana ang buhay ko. The light, which I saw and slowly lifted me up, in one snap it crash down. I really don't know, what should I do. It was too painful. Hindi ko alam kung paano buuin ang sarili ko sa ikalawang pagkakataon. Na sa kabila ng nalaman ko maging maayos din ang lahat. But my own pessimistic character surfaces.

"Ang aga pa, para magday-dreaming." Nagulat ako sa nagsalita. Him. Nasa may botanical garden ako noong mga oras na iyon. I didn't notice him coming. Not class hour yet, maaga lang talaga ako pumapasok. I don't want to be late.

"Kanina ka pa ba?" I asked him, malalim din kasi ang iniisip ko ng mga oras na iyon. I was too busy in fighting my own thoughts of negativity. Knowing him, parang kabute bigla-bigla nalang sumusulpot. Magkatulad sila ng pinsan kung ubod ng pasaway.

"Yes, you didn't notice my presence." Sambit nito.

Napasimangot naman ako. He loves staying close unnoticed. Doesn't help but to admit that I felt mixed emotions kapag kaharap ko siya until these days. Paano ba naman kasi, paiba-iba ng mood ang loko. Iyong tipong may iniisip ka tapos bigla-bigla naman. Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako o maiinis.

He helped me without knowing. Even though, he is annoying often. Kung mag-mood swing dinaig pa ako na babae. Still, he lighted up my day. I found hope for the future because of him. He's cocky side tells me hope; the serious side telling me that he's there for me.

"Sometimes, you're too full of yourself." I blurted out, just to hid the emotions that I can't ponder out. I may say, I'm afraid to know. At sa halip mainis, he simply gives me his carefree smile.

"Wala akong pakialam. Basta makita ko lang na magkaroon ng emosyon 'yang mukha mo. Okay na ko, dahil alam ko na tao ka at hindi bato."

Hindi ko tuloy mapigilang hampasin ang loko ng makapal na libro na hawak ko. And I'm not sorry about it., until now. Akala ko kung ano ang sasabihin niya dahil napakaseryoso ng mukha niya. Opposite with what he was saying. He was my bully as well, sa bawat araw ba naman ako lagi ang napagtitripan niya. Yet he's the only bully which gives life to my own eyes.

"Aww. Napakasadista mo talaga." Daing niya, napalakas kasi ang paghampas ko ng libro sa kanya.

He.

Siya iyong ginamit na instrument ng Diyos para makita ko ulit ang liwanag sa buhay ko. God used him to made me realized all things. And until now, I'm still wondering. Why of all people? Siya pa, maybe God wanted me to comprehend that how much hard our situation is, there still hope that would surely elope from somewhere.

I remembered what he said one time. "If you want to continue, don't mind all the failures and negative things." The exact word he said, mga oras na may kailangan kaming i-cover. Of course I.H Organization was not just a normal writing club – to developed your writing ability. Yet, the club as well organized the Magazine of the University. Every month we have to cover an article, depends with the corresponding theme. And that was my second month, the theme was HOPE. We need to described the word hope and elaborate it farther. Our main goal is to give hope not just to us but to whole university. It was our main point which we had to nailed.

"How could I write hope, when in the first place I don't have it?" hindi ko mapigilang itanong sa kanya ang mga katagang iyon sa kanya. He was my mentor back then. Logically, tama naman, dahil hindi ka naman talaga makapagbigay ng pag-asa kung mismong ikaw na nagsusulat tungkol doon, wala kang pag-asa.

But what he said next, made me realized something. "Hindi hinahanap ang Pag-asa, nandiyan siya. Pero hangga't hindi mo binubuksan ang mga mata mo ay hindi mo makikita."

Ang mga katagang iyon ay hindi kailanman nawala sa isip ko. Those words gave me the light to wrote. Oo nga hindi ko maiisulat ang theme na 'yon kung mismo ako ay hindi ko siya nakikita. Rather say, I let myself be blinded with. The funny thing was, I closed my door and never realized that hope knock in my doorstep. I chose to be coward and stop dreaming because of the dilemma. In other words, I give up easily without giving a try. On the contrary, I thanked him by changing my decision without knowing.

Seeing myself writing a masterpiece which I never presumed to. He says, "You can't make a masterpiece without your heart."

Yes, he was true. If I wrote without my heart on it, I can't have made something can be called as masterpiece. He taught me to dabbles my hand in writing. Yes, I believe that our heart never be accurate enough. But the one who taught me, told me never let your emotions dictate you.

"Emotions is just an emotions Blaire. Pero hindi dapat iyon ang basehan para mawalan ka ng pag-asa sa mga bagay-bagay. Emotions could deceive you, stay strong at the principle your belief because it will resemble your moral and character."

He, not just him alone but the group contributed a light of inspiration in my life. At ang mga katagang sinulat ko na hindi ko makalimutan.

You can't search hope. In fact, hope is knocking at your doorstep. Just open your door and let her in. Don't let your own emotions control and dictate your life. Hope is just one face of principle. Hope will never leave us, grasp to her tightly. Don't let anything or life trials can be the reason why you lose grasp on her.

And I knew that you can also have the hope. The endless hope which I found, you can as well. Simply open the door, she's knocking not just your door yet as well your heart. Cause she is always waiting.