Don't know what to do without you [Chaennie Fanfic]

Chapter 8 - Cuts

WARNING: This chapter includes explicit description of self injuring behaviour. If you are dealing with thoughts like that and think you will be getting triggered by that, please      don't read this chapter. More on that in the notes at the end of the chapter.

Some things better remain unspoken.

Do we risk the whole group's future for a little bit of romance and fun?

This was not an accident.

Rosé's words echoed in Jennie's head over and over again. She wasn't able to think of anything else. And she felt so pathetic because of that. After all, several days have passed since her failed attempt of confessing her feelings towards Rosé. Boy, what a crash landing that was. They haven't spoken a lot to each other since then. Despite Rosé's request to pretend nothing happened, Jennie could barely stand her presence these days. Rosé did a decent job acting normal. At least on the outside. The truth is, Jennie had no idea how it looked like inside of Rosé. She thought she knew her, but the reality check Rosé gave her basically shattered the image Jennie had of Rosé. Not in her wildest dreams would she thought that Rosé was capable of such masquerade. In a way Jennie felt betrayed by her friend. How long did she knew of Jennie's feelings? Jennie still had so many unanswered questions, so many unspoken things on her mind... But there was no chance. Jennie had this one opportunity and failed miserably. Rosé didn't want to hear any of that and Jennie couldn't stop asking herself if she could've said anything to convince her otherwise. If a different choice of words would have let to different results. Probably not. Rosé was so set in her standpoint, that there's nothing Jennie could've said or done to convince her otherwise.

Jennie felt so powerless because of this. But she couldn't push these thoughts out of her mind. Trying to distract her mind from her miserable state, she developed some unhealthy habits like scratching and clawing on her skin, preferably in places where people wouldn't see any marks like her head, which often came with hair pulling, or intimate body parts like her breasts. She was hoping that the physical pain would overwrite the emotional pain she felt, after all it worked for a brief moment when she smashed her mirror. She wanted this back. For at least one moment, she was able to think of anything else then Rosé and the torture Jennie was put through. This was of course before Rosé smashed all of Jennie's efforts and left her a crying mess in the garden. That night, Jennie skipped dinner. And the next breakfast. And the next lunch. And the next dinner. The others were getting worried, but Jennie simply told them that she would like to be alone. And has her friends, they respected that. Maybe they shouldn't have. Sometimes, one's call for privacy is the loudest cry for help.

Jennie was lying in her bed, staring at the ceiling. What day was it? Friday? Or already Saturday? She kind of lost track of time. The only indicator of time she had was when either Lisa or Jisoo came into the room to tell Jennie about their day, how practice went, asked her if she needed anything. Of course, Lisa still slept in their shared room. But Jennie barely recognized her as a side note. She reacted, when spoken to, but never acted actively. She didn't even placed the pink carpet back in front of her bed, despite being cleaned of all the blood. "If you change your mind, I will store it in a closet for you okay?" Lisa asked her when Jennie ignored the carpet for multiple days. Jennie didn't respond. She didn't want anything to remind her of that incident where she smashed her mirror, the scars were already reminder enough. The stitches have been removed a few days ago, often Jennie would absent-minded trace her fingers down the scars on her forearm. During day, she would mostly stay in bed and stare blankly at the black wall. At night, when she couldn't sleep, she sometimes thought she could hear a soft cry from the other side.