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PROLOGUE
I was sluggishly walking inside a tunnel when a train passed by. Inside, I saw the people looking at me. With just a glance at their eyes, I was certain with my judgment and I knew that each of them played different roles in society.
There were rich people and possibly had everything they desired, yet they were selfish and greedy, business tycoons who would do anything just to be powerful and famous, teens that already have their own children because they were not careful and didn't think ahead, curious youngsters who have insufficient knowledge about the world, old people who were ready to depart the world whenever their time came, people who were delighted and excited for what's about to come, people who were down, heartbroken, low-spirited, and mournful because all that's stuck in their heads were negative thoughts and nothing else, people who have evil intentions and would seem innocent and friendly at the start but would take advantage in every chance they get, and people who are just like me; sick of living and cannot find another reason to live.
"I wasn't broke, but I didn't have the best moral compass. I was young, but I was ready to depart this world. I wasn't happy, but I was excited for what happens next." I murmured.
Life, what does it mean? We all have different meanings for this word. One cannot express its true meaning. Maybe others have their own opinion but we simply can't agree. I genuinely don't get what life is. 'The period of existence that starts from birth and ends with death.' What a pointless definition. Similar ones are mostly found in dictionaries. I did not find the meaning I was looking for.
Religion taught us that life is a gift from God but why do we have to suffer? What is the reason why we were given life if everything we can get is pain? We may feel felicity but it's just for a fleeting moment. It never lasts forever. When we find this happiness, we'll soon be in a miserable condition. Happiness amplifies the sting. It only makes it more difficult for us to accept reality. The more you hold something dear, the more you'll regret and the harder you'll be able to let go. Like a sin, if you do not change it soon enough, it will grow until you cannot stop it.
With every mistake, there will always be a rightful punishment but is happiness a sin? Why do we have to be desolate when we lose this happiness? This is probably the reason why I've learned to walk away and ignore the things that can make me glad. Life didn't work out fine for me or rather, it didn't work out at all. Life is worthless. I didn't have any luck. My life just wasn't worth it. Everyone abandoned me and everything was taken away from me.
I imagined spending my entire life with the girl I love but those dreams are now impossible to reach. It's difficult to accept the truth because we were living perfectly together and in a split second, it was over even before I realized it. It's true that every story has an ending but ours was too unexpected. It ended with a quick miserable ending.
I wish to leave the world or better yet, I wish I was never born. God never should've given me life. I don't deserve it because I wasted every chance I had. How did it turn out like this? There are memories that I don't want to remind myself about. The memories that have burdened me for too long. I've looked back for a thousand times and it taught me to never love again.
This pain is unbearable. It hurts to see her every time I close my eyes. It's sad to think that I can never feel her warm embrace and her soft lips, hear her sweet little voice, see her innocent face and her lovely smile. I fell in love with the wrong girl. I don't even know how it started but the end kept flashing through my mind. If only I could foretell these things years ago then this wouldn't have happened at all.
Maybe we were destined to fall in love but we were also destined to end this way. I should've never asked what her name was in the first place and just ignored her. Memories are memories and they can never turn into reality. All my memories are better off forgotten and like them, I should be removed for eternity. I shall fade into total oblivion.
"Good bye cruel world." I was standing in the railroad as the train was fast approaching. This shall be my final day. However, even at the end, I still wasn't content. All I needed was her. I dreamed of such a perfect death - growing old with her and dying in her arms. I would have happily accepted it but even if I craved for it, I couldn't have it. Her last words kept coming back to me but only these sad reminiscences can return. It's impossible to bring her back. Doing anything would not help in even the slightest way. Waiting for the train to crush me, I slowly closed my eyes and there, my memories starting from a certain day began to flash in my mind. It was so clear like it all happened once more.
