Olivia Always

Chapter One - Living on the Edge

  She said it again, "You can't live your life in fear." She'd said it to me so many times that it was like tinnitus, just there and annoying but you can't tune it out. "Just watch me," I thought as I always did.

Julie's other mantra was, "Follow your bliss." She felt compelled and qualified to dish out these words of wisdom because of the number of last-minute flights she had taken over the last few years. Her work as a computer analyst allowed her quick access to those "deals." Early in the morning she checked her favourite discount airline sites to scour for her "deals." Then off she would go tweeting as she went, "Heading to the gate for my fun flight to Puerto Vallarta - following my bliss."

O.K. what if your bliss takes you on a dark and silent country road. Because you are fearless and neither dark nor seclusion will dampen your will.  Suddenly, someone jumps out from behind the bushes and clunks you on the head and drags you off to their lair. "She lived her life doing what she loved, walking alone along dark and silent country roads," they would say at your funeral.

How about another scenario. Same road. Same feelings of adventure.   This time you are hit from behind by a car driven by a guy drinking a beer, with the radio turned up to ear-bleeding volume and one arm hanging out the window. He rounds the corner and there you are. There you were. Now that was fun and fearless.

The myriad ways you can live your life "not in fear" are without number. Hot air balloon rides comes to mind. I choose this illustrative example because it is such an inane thing to do. What, life on the ground is so boring you have to go up into the air in a basket hanging below a fire ball? I have two fears about this way of dying. I am not sure which is worse. You decide. In one case the balloon could explode raining fiery nylon down on you as you plummet to your death. This is awful but at least you would be distracted by the flames. Or, second case you suddenly lose altitude and plummet to the earth and naturally your death. You have just enough time in this instance to think about how much this is really going to hurt.

There is a theme running through all these "dying while facing fear" examples. They would all result in a really painful death. Now if you are a big fan of this type of thing, painful death I mean, then off you go. Track lions barefoot across the Savannah, race headlong down a vertical mountain slope with only thin pieces of wood strapped to your feet and a really cool helmet. Which as you already know is not going to protect you when you hit that rocky outcropping hidden beneath that lump of snow.

Once in my life I did live fearlessly. I was five years old and didn't know how brave or stupid I was being. I climbed onto the railing around the back family deck. I was riding my pony when it bucked me and down I went five feet and landed on the very unforgiving pavement like a turtle on my back. Breath suddenly became very important, especially as I couldn't get any. I made mewling sounds like a baby kitten and was eventually found and scolded for doing something so dangerous. If only I had been able to tell my mother, "I was following my bliss."

I've been a bit preoccupied with death and dying in all its vagaries lately. I know it is just the normal existential angst felt by all adults but like most things when it happens to you it suddenly becomes very important and personal. I take aging very personally. It spite of the fact that you see it happening everywhere and all around you somehow until it strikes you are able to do a really wonderful job of magic thinking.  Or as my Mother suggested when things got tough, "Stick your fingers in your ears sing ting a ling a loo." 

Anyway, I understood in a kind of general, superficial way that I would get older. Like in the way I understand algebra; that is, not really.

You are told that you will get old so many times as you are growing up by well-meaning and not so well- meaning adults. "One day you will be older and then you will see.... ," it just becomes part of the narrative of your youth. Naturally you don't believe it. Older is for others less wonderful than me.

Now, here it is. The unwelcome guest at your life party. The one standing at the buffet table eating all the really good appetizers and boring everyone else who comes around into moving away. If I was to draw a picture of this guest it would look like a cross between Woody Allen in his Annie Hall days and the Grim Reaper. There he stands firing off ridiculous one-liners while reaching out with a bony hand to grab up the next cheese and spinach filo bundle.

So when Julia says to me that I should throw off the yoke of fear that is obviously holding me back from experiencing a deeper self-knowledge I, well, I hesitate.

Full disclosure. I have on occasion taken risks before I mean besides riding the post on our deck. Some of these experiences came with full knowledge that I was on the edge and some events ... well, they were unexpected.

My first foray wasn't dangerous unless you call putting your entire emotional wellbeing on the line dangerous. Julia had been pestering me for months to take a Caribbean cruise with her. "Sun, fun, guys, drinks, repeat," she extolled. Finally, I relented and and took the plunge. An apt description for what comes next.

Have you ever felt really hot and sexy? You know the world is your oyster. You feel you have finally reached that place where everything is working the way it should. The beauty stars are aligned.

For me it was this Caribbean cruise. The sun is shining, the water is blue and the seas are calm. Lounging back in the sun I am filled with feelings of general good will. I am especially pleased with my new orange bathing suit. You know it's not every one that can wear orange I was thinking. This particular suit gathered around the bust and there was an elastic cord you could pull which ran between the breasts. You give the cord a tug and it did that whole lift and separate thing. It also had straps or you could wear it strapless. I did.

There I am in my beautiful suit feeling very confident. I want someone to take my picture I look so good. Julia obliges as I smile a big, happy, confident smile.

A few weeks later I texted my friend to send me a copy of that picture she had taken. She sent me a few of our vacation and I scrolled quickly through them. Lots of shots of beautiful beaches, the blue, blue water, some pictures of other group members. Then there was that bathing suit.

My god what is that? It's a perfect, black triangle. It's my bush?!  Are those my nipples standing at attention? I look totally naked. That beautiful, orange bathing suit it turns out was only pretending to be orange. The effect of that bright Caribbean sun was to turn it into a lovely and totally believable skin tone.

There I am laying back on the lounger with a self-contented smile, apparently naked, for the entire world to see. You can tell by my expression that I am wondering why admirers are not swarming me. I am thinking they are all showing great restraint in not coming over.

I do remember all those glances in my direction. I just thought the women were jealous and the single men were admiring me in my suit topped off with my dazzling smile and easy manner. I thought they were just too shy to come over. Now I realize they were all just wondering why the woman with the cowboy hat was lying there naked and smiling and also wondering why the captain didn't do something. This was a family cruise after all.

Oh sure it's bad when you walk out of the washroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe, or your skirt tucked inside your panties or you start your period on the dance floor (when you think you are dancing like Jennifer Lopez) and your wearing white pants. Those are bad, I know. However, being a naked, unaware, self-congratulatory idiot? That is a certain kind of pain and shame that learns to set up home deep, deep down in your psyche and never wants to leave home. You know, like your thirty-three year old cousin still living in his parents basement and working at Wal-mart part time.

But, you know, "hope springs eternal" and all that so finally Julie, who has true staying power finally convinced me that one, there were fun things to do out there to do. And two, they wouldn't necessarily result in my death.

And so was born my "Now or Never Stuff" or NONS. Like YOLO but for slightly more mature adults. You know, like you.