Olivia Always

Chapter 13 - Doing It My Way - Always

It was a beautiful, sweet spring and we had lived through six difficult months since mom died. The pain had come in waves and at unexpected moments. A smell, a song, something someone said would bring up these memories and we would call each other and cry. We became very close during that time dad and I.

He told me stories of mom I had never heard about how they met, about my maternal grandfather that I never knew and about my mom's concerns for me.

She had told my dad that she thought I was gay since I never dated or brought boys home. Also, she was not thrilled with my short haircuts and penchant for sandals with loafers. Hey, don't judge I was finding my fashion sense. My dad convinced her that wasn't the case so instead she told him she thought I might end up a "spinster."

"I knew you wouldn't be. But I am sad to think that maybe you married what's his name to prove her wrong. You know we never thought he was right for you but we also know how strong-willed you are, you get that from your mom you know."

I think there are worse attributes to inherit.

One tradition my mom and I had adhered to for many years at her insistence was to go and buy a spring dress on her birthday and it was coming up. I had thought about it and at first it just didn't seem possible. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was go dress shopping. The whole ritual of finding the store, making choices, the painful, hot wrestling in and out of dresses all this and more were so daunting. I had tried to choose dresses that wouldn't date too quickly so I could wear them over several seasons. But mom always insisted I buy a new spring dress. My closet is full of these basically orphan dresses that I wore once, usually to high tea with her and then never saw the light of day again. I'm more of a casual dresser. Separates are my go-to so you can mix and match. This blue shirt with those grey pants, or that grey shirt with those blue pants. You get the picture.

In addition to all the challenges dress buying always brought was the fact that I wouldn't be doing it with mom. But, the more I thought about it the more I knew I was going to go and buy that dress anyway. It was a small way to stay connected to her and I'm just superstitious enough to think she might be watching to see if I did it. Now some of my friends like to take someone along for a second opinion. That's not me. If I like it, I will know it.

Mom's birthday came and it fell on a Saturday so work couldn't be an excuse. I threw on some sweats and a hoodie, grabbed my purse and left before I could change my mind. I had decided to go to the upscale department store mom always went to. I'm not going to name it. This is an ad-free zone. Let's just say that you need to be strong of will and mind to shop here. With the repeated sticker shock a girl could have a heart attack. Thousand-dollar shoes, hundred-dollar headbands. You get the idea. But oh, the service that goes along with those prices. If you like someone gluing themselves to you the minute you step into their department then this is the store for you.

I slouched into the area of casual spring dresses and right as clock-work someone appeared. "Hi there, how are you doing today. Can I help you find anything?" All said in the cheeriest and chirpiest of voices. I wondered if she practised in front of a mirror to get just the right inflection and smile happening at the same time?

"I'm looking for a dress," I said in what was meant to be my most unhurried and confident voice. That's a lot of pressure for five words.

"Mmhmm," she said. "Colours, silhouettes of choice?"

"Something that fits and doesn't mean I have to take out another mortgage on my house would be great," I replied.

She smiled her megawatt smile and said, "Well we have several dresses that would fit that description!" Oh, so much enthusiasm. "I'm thinking you're a size 8 or ten?"