chinese lessons; renhyuck

eight

Donghyuck felt like shit honestly.

He was exhausted from studying, tired from practicing, and tired of crying over someone who has already moved on from him. Donghyuck just wished that he could move on too, that way, all the pain would stop, but his feelings never changed no matter how much time passes by. Even now as he stands in front of his door, ready to enter his home, his heart still feels heavy, like there is a weight resting somewhere inside him causing it to ache so much that tears are threatening to spill out once again.

He went home earlier than he usually did, having rushed directly to his home after band practice ended. He texted his manager about not feeling too well and that he wouldn't show up at work today.

Donghyuck took a deep breath before pushing the door open. He enters his home and shuts the door behind him. He doesn't really have the energy to do anything except cry. He makes his way towards his room, making his way to his bed where he lays down face first into the pillow.

Now in the comfort of his own room, he allows himself to let out his feelings, letting the emotions flow freely. The tears start to stream, slowly but steadily. His eyes begin to feel sore, and the salty wetness seeps through his eyelashes.

He was so stupid. If he didn't approach Mark after band practice, then perhaps he wouldn't have known that Mark had found himself a new boyfriend. He chuckles lifelessly as if that would change anything. Even if he didn't approach him back then, he would still find out one way or another. The universe was never really on his side.

He replays the scene in his head for the nth time; Mark was on the phone when Donghyuck saw him outside the campus gates. Hopeful that maybe they could start being friends again after that phone call, he stupidly makes his way towards him in hopes that maybe they could catch up? Maybe they could hang out together at least?

And then he hears it, "I'll pick you up soon, okay?" Mark said smiling happily, "Mhm... yeah I miss you too babe, I'll be there soon." He hangs up and Donghyuck watched him as he walked away. Donghyuck stood there frozen as if his world which he had tried so hard to rebuild had shattered right in front of him. His whole world had crumbled with those words uttered out loud.

Mark is seeing someone. Donghyuck's Mark. The same Mark who was once his best friend. His first serious relationship. Donghyuck's Mark.

Well, he isn't his anymore.

He cries harder this time, the dam finally breaking. Sobs and hiccups echo throughout the walls of his bedroom, echoing from his throat. A constant flow of tears comes, his face pressed against the sheets as he weeps loudly.

He is a coward, he always had been. He always asked himself, Where did it go wrong? or How did it come to this? but deep down he had known the answer all this time, he was terrified; terrified of their relationship going wrong, terrified of the way Mark had been slowly distancing himself from Donghyuck, terrified that one day Mark would leave him to chase after someone else. Especially during the latter months of their relationship, when Mark seemed to be slowly falling out of love with him.

And maybe they should have communicated more, maybe if they spent their time talking to each other about their problems instead of dwelling in silence in Mark's apartment, maybe they could have avoided this mess. But no one is logical when their relationship had seemed to be crumbling underneath their feet, and they both knew that well.

So he left him, despite the fact that it hurt him physically, and Mark let him.

He thought that maybe if he left first, it would hurt less. That Mark would forget everything about him, and Donghyuck wouldn't even care because everything would be fine between them again, but that wasn't true. Not at all. Because he had spent a month trying to forget Mark, to block him from his thoughts, to try and forget everything, and yet somehow, he couldn't.

So he spent the next month regretting ever leaving him, regretting not telling Mark about his feelings, regretting not doing something sooner, regretting everything. And then out of nowhere, Mark calls him for a favor where in return he gets to do whatever Donghyuck wanted him to do.

A silver lining, Donghyuck had hoped. A chance where he could stop regretting and being cowardly, a chance to become better, to fix things, a chance where they could be happy again, a chance to get Mark back in his life, a chance for Mark to stay. He had hoped that it was possible for them to go back to what they used to be. And yet, even that came crashing down too. He was a mess.

All these thoughts were swirling inside his mind, creating a tornado around his entire being as he lay crying onto his bed. This was nothing new, nothing different from how he felt every single night, no, every single day. But this time, the feeling was so much worse. This time he felt like a broken toy; he was sure that there was no coming back from this; this time, he knew that he would never get his Mark back.

After having no tears left to cry, He falls asleep exhausted but still unable to sleep well. When he wakes up, it's still dark outside. He gets out of bed groggily, stumbling around his room while trying to brush his teeth. Looking at his reflection in the mirror, he sees that he looks terrible. His eyes look red and puffy, his hair looks unkempt, his skin is pale white, and his lips looked chapped. All signs of how exhausted and pathetic Donghyuck must have been.

He checks his phone, seeing text messages from Chenle and Jaemin sending random memes in the group chat. He smiles a little at that, he's glad his friends seem to be doing better. He knew how sad they were when he and Mark broke up, even if they never showed it directly to Donghyuck. But after he told them his side of the story, they were quick to hug him and support him in whatever way they could.

As he finishes brushing his teeth and putting his clothes on, he remembers something. Something small and insignificant, but it hits him straight in the face. He checks the time, 11:25 P.M.

He swore he would show up today for tutor tonight. He was so caught up in his emotions he forgot he had plans. Donghyuck curses under his breath as he quickly opens the messages app to see Renjun's texts.