Raising a Hero

Chpater 57

I saw from Gus's point of view as he worked the Inn with Hal that night. I felt the hot, gut twisting unease that kept him wiping his clammy hands on his pants. Saw glimpses of the amused gazes of the regulars with sharp enough ears and quick enough minds to catch what was going on. I saw flashes of his own imagination, where an image of me, somewhat more beautiful than I thought myself, doing everything from pushing off a starry-eyed duke to being convinced that staying with him would be the best for Gus.

The annoying bard had been the only one of the same mind as Gus, moodily sitting in his corner and strumming nonsense ballads he didn't sing a word too.

When she comes back, I need to tell her I changed my mind—I need to send a letter to the duke saying I changed my mind. I want to leave to our cottage now. I want to go far away.

He thought this several times.

There's no way I can compete with a duke. Hell, I can't even compete with anyone. Why do I have to be so small? Why did I have to be born so late? Why'd I have to be born in dirt and left with nothing? I have nothing to give her, nothing she could want.

But she's all I could ever want. She's all I need.

The rock of emotions twisting harder and harder in his gut was enough to make him feel sick. By the time the last regular left and the bard headed up to bed, Gus thought he'd pass out the moment he fell into his bed. But as the minutes ticked on and I hadn't come home, the rock only got harder and harder until he had to tip-toe past Hal and out into the common room, where he waited, pacing the floor.

I want to see her. I need to see her. I want to hug her. I want her to pet my head. I want her to kiss me, even if it means she treats me like a baby, please.

It was a wonder he didn't whimper out loud.

The hole within him made my head spin.

At the same time, I recognized that hole. It gaped wide with the same desperate need and loneliness as the one in myself. Though I had no target for it to call to, like Gus did, I had been friends with it from almost the day I had arrived here. It hurt. Gus hurt.

The pain was still there, renewed thanks to my acknowledgement of it, when Gus's magic withdrew and my attention to the dark outside world returned.

He didn't take his hands away, though. Rather, clenched my hair and pulled me down into his arms so he could hold me close. Only once my face was to his shoulders and my chest against his did his arms go down to wrap tightly around my back.

I embraced him back, holding him with the same strength, as though I could pull him into the empty hole inside me. As though he could ease the raw emptiness.

"We can't run away," I whispered. "I don't know how to make a living in this world without help. Neither do you. You almost died. We're both lucky that Hal and Milly are willing to give as much as they have to us. We don't live on our own merit."

His head turned to nuzzle into the curve between my neck and shoulder.

I reached up to pet his head, like he had wanted. It was nice, knowing that he wanted me to touch him for once, not just me one-sidedly pushing all my affection on him.

I felt him give a shudder and relax just a bit more against me. He really was still so skinny and small.

"Gus Gus," I said. "You have a big role in this world. You're going to do a lot of good for a lot of people. I...I know you don't care right now, and all you want to do is run away with me, but...I think you should prepare yourself as much as you can. Learn as much as you can. There's nothing fun about losing your freedom to your own lack of ability and knowledge."