Red (Helmut Zemo's Version)

Chapter Eight: Bucky Wtf

A few hours after the situation, I refuse to join the party downstairs, making up some excuse to Zemo that I just wanted to rest after the stressful day. It takes some convincing but eventually he agrees to give me the space I need but insists upon me calling him if I need anything. I agree to the terms and, the moment he leaves, set about packing away any of the things I have lying around the room. His jacket remains lying in the sink so I take this time to massage out the blood stains with cold water and soap so that I can hang it by the door and leave my goodbye note folded up in its pocket. With haste, I find something warm and comfortable to change into, placing my pyjamas into the case, and get ready to leave, psyching myself up for the drop from the window.

Creaking that is instantly recognisable as the door sounds from behind me and I freeze on the spot, curling in on myself in prayer that it isn't Zemo returning. Facing him right now would just be too hard. The unknown intruder clears their throat and I whip around, knowing exactly who that voice belongs to. "I thought I told you not to come back here" I almost growl at the super soldier. Bucky tenses, his guards coming up before he slowly talks himself down. "Can we talk?" he asks and I laugh dryly. "What? So you can call me a whore again? I'll pass" I say, refusing to show any sign of my longing to reach out to him. "I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry. Can we please just talk about all this? With Steve gone, you're the only person I have left" His voice is raw and hoarse and empathy burns within me but my heart just can't let it take over yet. "What about Sam?" I ask, blank-faced. "Sam's great but he doesn't know me the way you do. He just thinks I'm some angry robot who kills everyone they meet and judging on the way I reacted to you and Zemo, there might be some truth to it" he laughs sadly. I sigh and point to the bed "Fine. We can talk. But not just about this. For it to work we have to talk about everything, Natasha and Emily included" I take a seat and pat the area of the bed opposite which he soon sits on, nodding in agreement. "Look, when we first met I told you all about my relationship with Natasha and how, after Pietro she was the only person I'd been able to feel love for, how we kept our relationship secret from everyone and how I caught her kissing Steve by the fireplace on the first anniversary of Pietro's death. I told you all of this. And what was the first thing you did when you met her? You slept with her." Any and all attempts to keep my voice level were thrown out of the window within seconds. Bucky flinched lightly at the harshness of my words but nodded all the same. "I am so sorry I did that to you. It was a one time thing when we were both lonely and on the run and it meant nothing." He says, reaching out to touch my hand as I pull it away from his grasp. "That makes it so much worse. At least what I have with Helmut means something to me and I'm not risking our friendship on some loveless fling. You weren't there. You never called to check in or tell me anything. God, I heard about Steve over Twitter for fuck's sake. You weren't here but Helmut was. And he treats me like goddamn royalty. All you have ever done is expect things from me. And then there's Emily..." His head hangs at the name. "You knew she had a vendetta against me when we were competing in classes with her being a few years older than me. You were there with me the night she finally snapped and ran me down with her shitty Ford. You got me to the hospital and then I find out that like the next day you SLEPT WITH HER?" My voice raises obscenely for the last half of the sentence. Bucky begins to speak but I cut him off "How do you excuse that? At least with Natasha I can sort of understand but seriously, how? Have you just hated me all these years and used me for therapy?" He begins to deny it but I cut him off once again. "Then what, Bucky? Seriously, then what?" I practically yell in his face. "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU" he yells back and we both freeze.

Seconds pass by like hours as we stare at each other, open-mouthed and shell-shocked, until Bucky finally speaks again "I'm in love with you, and I slept with her to make it difficult to look you in the eye in hopes that it would help me get over these feelings, but it never did" He whispers. "That is single-handedly the dumbest and most toxic concept I have ever fucking heard. You directly went out of your way to do the one thing that you knew would hurt me more than anything just to get over some shitty crush." I snap back. "I'm so sorry" he says, practically pleading with me. "I don't forgive you." I bluntly reply, staring at him directly in the eyes. "There, we've talked. Now, get out." What I could swear are tears well up in the corner of his eyes but he doesn't seem to notice them. "W-what?" he asks. "I said I don't forgive you. I can't forgive you yet. It isn't fair that you kept this from me and then did all of that just to hurt me so that you wouldn't have to confront your feelings. How is any of that fair on me? God you're so fucking selfish, Bucky. And the fact that you expect me just to forgive you straight away just goes to show that you haven't learnt anything from it. So no, I don't forgive you and I need you to leave... Now. I've got a lot to think about" He nods as if he understands and rises to his feet to walk to the door, pausing in front of it as though he expects me to say something, but I don't and he leaves, muttering that he'll see me in the morning.