A Guide to Our Love [gxg]

Chapter Seven

Evelynne 

       It's been a week since I've talked to Alexia. The only time I had seen her was in the diner. We didn't talk, just made eye contact. I'll never forget the look on her face when she saw us. It broke my heart to see her hurting, but I just couldn't find it in myself to talk to her.

       It felt like that painting was always in the back of my mind. It was no secret that both Alexia and I like girls. I was bisexual and she was lesbian. We had both known that about each other for years. However, I've never thought I was in love with her or that I wanted to marry her.

       That painting brought things out in me that I never thought were there. One of the biggest things was guilt. I felt like I was cheating on Jonah and I never wanted to do that to him. I knew that I wasn't actually cheating on him, but I knew that our relationship will never be the same.  I also knew that I had to break up with him, but I also wanted to hold on to our relationship.

       I could tell that he knew something was up with me. He kept asking if I was okay and staring at me for too long. I tried not to pull away from him, but I couldn't help it. And when I wasn't pulling away I felt like I was trying to overcompensate for something that wasn't there. 

       I hated it. I hated how I ruined my relationship with Alexia. I hated how I'm ruining things with Jonah. And I hated how I made things weird with my parents.

       Ever since they saw the painting, they have tried not to mention it because I asked them not to. I know they want to say something, but I don't even know how to respond if they did. Now there's this awkward tension in the air whenever I'm around them. They know something happened with Alexia since she hasn't been over and I hadn't even mentioned her. 

       I wanted so badly to tell them what happened. But I just couldn't find the words or the courage to tell them how badly I fucked up. Every time I tried the words got stuck in my throat and I chickened out. I had no idea what to do anymore. 

       I lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I needed to do something to get my mind off of everything. I ended up deciding to go to the batting cages. I know it's not softball season, but it's never failed to distract me from the world. 

       I grabbed my softball bag and put on shorts and a t-shirt. With that, I went to my car and started to drive. The batting cages I usually go to were about fifteen minutes away. There, I paid the fees and headed to the fast-pitch area to get set up.

      I hit ball after ball as hard as I could. I had to have been there for hours at this point. I was dripping with sweat and my arms burned. It was addicting. Not once this whole time did I think about my problems and I didn't want to start now. However, I did need to get home and get ready for work. I packed up my stuff and headed home.

       I showered and ate before I got ready. I put on a pair of ripped jeans, a sweater, and pair of Vans. I worked at a locally owned animal shelter that pays pretty well. I was trying to save up for college and law school. I've always wanted to be a lawyer ever since I was little, so I'm going to make it happen.

       I said goodbye to my parents and went to work. The whole time there I was distracted. The other girl I worked with, Kaya, kept looking at me weirdly. We were friendly with each other, but I wouldn't necessarily call us friends. We don't really talk and the only times we do, it's at work. I guess I must be really out of it if even she noticed.

     I didn't realize our shift was over until Kaya tapped my shoulder and nodded at the clock. 

    "Go home. I'll finish closing because you look like shit," she said to me.

     I have never been so thankful for her than in this moment. I was both physically and mentally exhausted. I wanted nothing more than to go home and pass out. God...I really miss my bed right now.

      I drove home in silence, letting myself really think about everything. I know I have to make it up to Alexia. But first, I think I need to break up with Jonah. He's been nothing but good to ever since we started dating and I think I loved him once. But I don't think it was ever in the way I wanted myself to. 

      The more and more I thought about it, the more I realized how I never really saw him as a life partner, but as a substitute for who I really wanted. Noe comparing them, they are actually very similar on paper. They both have sort of reddish, light brown hair, they both play soccer, and they both love to read. That was when it hit me. I'm in love with Alexia. I think I've always been.

      As I pulled into the driveway and went into the house, I saw my parents sitting on the couch watching TV together. I took a deep breath before sitting on the coffee table right in front of them. 

      "I'm in love with her," I blurted out before I could even think about it," and I messed our relationship up so bad."

       After that, I let everything out. I told them about how I was prioritizing the wrong things. How I realized I was in love with her. How I made her feel like shit. How I had been putting her second to Jonah. How I told her I would be better off without her. How I had ditched her so many times and never realized it. And how I wish I could take it all back.

       My parents never once interrupted me, letting me get everything out before responding. By the time I was done, I had started crying. They pulled me into a hug as tears ran down my face and onto their shirts.

      "Sweetheart, while I won't tell you you didn't mess up or you didn't do anything wrong. I will tell you that I can see how much you truly care for her. And If you really do love her, you'll fight to get her back," my mom said to me in a gentle tone.

       "I know I just have to find a way to make it up to her and apologize." 

       We sat there for a while together. I moved in between them on the couch and rested my head on my mom's shoulder and my legs on my dad's lap. I only got up to go to bed because the rest of the day was really catching up to me. I barely had time to change into pajamas before I felt like I was going to fall asleep standing up. 

      As I was going to sleep, my mom's words were stuck in my head. Tomorrow I would break up with Jonah and make a plan to get Alexia back.

       I might have been putting her on the back-burner recently, but today it stops. I will never, ever do that again. Now, I just have to prove it to her.