By Sin We Fall

Chapter Eleven

New York was getting harder, it hurt more not breaking the rules than breaking them. Every no sat heavy in my heart. I was trying to abide by the rules. Be a good girl. As the others went out, I went back to my hotel room. In all that ample time the only thing occupying my mind was Amo. Ballet was my first love. My loyalties, my ambitions all dedicated to it. Was I cheating on ballet now for a man with intoxicating words and wild inhibitions? When did anything become more important than ballet? If I was caught I would endanger everything I had worked for. This was where I wanted to be, why couldn't I just be content with what I had been given? Addiction. It was a word used in our household as a warning. One I passed off easily as I didn't have any desire to get drunk or try drugs. It was something that was so involved with my family but also brought down some unwilling victims in it. Dad always talked to the boys in warning about it. But he never warned me about boys. Don't fall into the clutches of addiction, I overheard countless times. I was falling. I could admit that. Going out brought me light, the city invigorated me. I brought all that energy with me to training. To reach new heights and help me feel more courageous to open up to others. Amo. I felt a hit of exhilaration every time he came to mind, like leaping out into a cavern in the unknown. Thrilling, reckless, intoxicating, so many words I didn't want to be associated with. Dedicated, precise, rule abiding, that was me. When I thought of not continuing to see him my future looked monotone. How could something so bad contribute to so much good? It didn't make sense. It would serve me well to talk to someone so all these contradictions weren't stuck in my head. I would surely go crazy stuck between two worlds. But I couldn't even begin a normal conversation about my family life. Nothing was normal about this and it started with my family. So it was their fault in the end...that was an easier way to think of it. It didn't feel like I was betraying them when I thought of it that way. But Amo was right (as hard as that was to say), their expectations of me were too much. I had created a monster in my image of diligence and obedience, they now saw me as if I could do no wrong. How very wrong they were! My head was full of rebellious sinister ideas. They expected me to keep my head down and train and to deny all my curiosity and inner wildness. I was playing with fire, but I'd never been more confident in my ability to handle it. Why was any of this dangerous anyway?

I had to level up my game if I was going to keep this secret life and still sustain my old one. I inauspiciously watched the tv with the monitors in the living room, timing them to know when each camera turned to a different angle. I would be able to be out of view if I timed it right. I was becoming familiar with the route, I knew where to step and where to jump down, like a cat on a tin roof. I even got down the tree without a smoker in the corner seeing me. I had also added sunglasses for an extra means of incognito. It made me feel very stealthy.

Song. No stranger, small black

I got to the street and only then did doubt bombard me. He probably wasn't even coming, I walked out on Amo before we could agree on meeting. I paced under the street sign. I left without even saying goodbye... The idea that I would never see him again filled me with longing of what could've been. The lost adventures and all the things I never revealed about him, the things I wouldn't uncover about myself. I was intimidated to say the least by this new Greta. The heights she reached caught me with vertigo afterwards. Then again it was good if this was the last time. I could go back to the hotel and finish packing for my trip home tomorrow. To go home with a clean consciousness and hopefully come back to my true self surrounded by my family. I looked down at my feet as I paced, only looking up when I heard someone walking close by. A very New York couple with the woman wearing a sleek black blazer. They were effortlessly romantic as they looked at each other in small glances. I was staring at them right in front of me like I would from the car window, taking a moment to realize that I didn't have that barricade to hide behind. Their hands momentarily touched as they walked by, so seductive in the most simplistic manner. I kept staring, not fearing to be caught anymore as they seemed to be wrapped up in a world of their own. The city lights in the background of their movements made me realize where I was. How far I had come and questing where I was going beyond this. New York has always been the end goal, but what lies beyond it now? A honk scared me to high heavens. I spun around holding my chest. A dark green pickup truck had maneuvered into the open parking space that had said handicap. Hesitancy filled me until the window rolled down and I saw it was Amo. In a million years I would have never imagined Amo in this type of truck. The type that you'd find on a forgotten country road in the Midwest. "Get in, we're late," he called, reaching over to open the passenger door. I looked back trying for a second to find the elegant couple that had vanished into the scene of the city. I hopped in quietly. The front seat was just one long bench with no divider. I looked around for the seatbelt as the car lurched forward creating a groaning sound from the action. "Seatbelt?" I squeaked. "It's somewhere around there, don't worry, we're just going across the river." It always surprised me how confident Amo was with the fact I was here. It seemed it didn't even occur to him that I wouldn't show up. Had he never been stood up or was he just good at hiding his rejection? He turned up the radio and went back to concentrating on the road. So normal, like picking up girls under street signs was part of his every night. "I'd never thought you'd own something like this," I said, amused. "It's not mine. It's my brother-in-laws, the only damn useful thing about him," he mumbled but I could hear lightness in his voice. "Can I roll down the window?" I asked timidly. "You really should try to get out more. You don't need to ask people permission for that kind of shit." There was something different about him. Not a layer of protection. His words didn't hold the thousand sarcastic contradictions that I could spend hours dissecting. It was to the point. I rolled down the window and looked out. The cold air blowing in my hair. I rested my head on the windowsill so I could finally look up at the towering buildings in passing.