GUILTY HERO

02. Nowhere to Go

A grand homecoming had been one of Reiner's biggest drives before he had set off to the Island of Devils.

However, having failed the operation, lost three of his friends and himself in the process, and being crushed by the weight of his carnage had left him with little to look forward to in Liberio after his defeat at Shiganshina.

During his shame-ridden trip back, he'd tried to think of the only few positives awaiting him on the other side of the sea: his mother, Gabi, his family, and... you.

But it had soon dawned on him that five years was a long time, that his mother would be distressed by what he'd become, that you could have moved on and would certainly not want anything to do with a traumatized war criminal, and he had started to question whether he even wanted to go back to his hometown.

These misgivings, which had been trivial in the grand scheme of things, had been temporarily set aside when Marley's defeat had given rise to new conflicts, and he'd been shipped away as soon as he'd arrived, only having been able to see his family and your mother for a short while—a while not long enough for anyone to perceive his falloff.

And another four years had passed since. The war with the Mid-East was over at last. And so was what little of himself he'd brought back from Paradis.

The train ride back to Liberio had been filled with the overpowering and ever-consuming burden of his life choices, concern over his overachiever of a cousin, and dread about his reunion with you.

He was no longer the boy you knew. Back then, you had liked him despite all his shortcomings; you had stuck beside him despite his unrealistic fixations; you had tried to shatter his naïve illusions and open his eyes to the truth, but what would you think of him now?

Now that he'd lost all sense of direction and loathed himself? Now that his sins had become far greater than anything he'd ever been striving to atone for? And now that he had realized that everything you'd ever tried to convince him of had been true? Would you still see past it all?

The wish in itself was far-fetched, and even he knew it. It was similar to the one he had of his father ever accepting him.

Scenarios of how he'd confront you had been drawn, scratched, and re-written over and over. Nothing had seemed to be fitting, no context or design encouraging, and he had soon found himself drained of all anticipation.

Any such concerns had been put off when you hadn't been waiting on the other side of the gates to the internment zone. Reiner had inquired after you, and your mother had informed him that you had been busy.

He hadn't thought much of it then, relieved to have been given a breather to recollect himself and prepare to face you properly. But when days had passed without any sightings of you in the streets nor any visits to his house alongside your mother, he had begun to mull over the connotations of her words.

The likelihood of you being now betrothed and busy in that sense had easily been ruled out; such news never remained secret for long in your neighborhood. And so, only the possibility that you had been actively choosing to avoid him was left.

He couldn't blame you, though. You had every right to stay away from him. Had he been in your shoes, he'd want nothing to do with himself either.

Your mother's frequent visits and her unabashed spiels about you hadn't helped either, only making his aching burn stronger, but despite her unyielding requests, he still couldn't find the heart to stop by. He had reason enough to suspect that you hadn't been as excited for a reunion as she had made it out to sound.

Gabi, Falco, and the others had somewhat helped keep his mind off of you during the day, but nights were when his demons would come back lurking. He would try to fall asleep thinking about you, only to be startled awake by the images of his past comrades shooting thunder spears at him.