GUILTY HERO

05. Friendships

By the time you had overcome your shock and made sense of what had happened, Reiner had been nowhere to be seen.

You would have taken offense in his outburst hadn't you been aware of the depths of his anguish and what truly tormented him. But your fear for his well-being had prevented any resentment or grudge from arising, and you had followed after him, eventually spending the rest of that night by his side.

After what had felt like an endless loop of unstable memories and consuming visions, Reiner had been able to get some semblance of rest.

He had felt disoriented upon waking up the next morning and, as he had slowly recovered his senses, soon declared himself sound and ready to bounce back.

You didn't understand how he did it—how he managed to flip a switch and build these walls around himself. It was tragic, really. But you had known better than to be fooled by it again and, despite his protests, had taken it upon yourself to send word to Magath that Reiner wouldn't be able to perform his duties at the HQ due to illness.

Moreover, knowing how delusional his mother still was, entrusting him to her was unthinkable. And so, you ensured to visit every day lest he crumbled again and let something dangerous slip around her.

Used to bottling everything up and downplaying his issues, Reiner didn't see the need for time off and was awkward about your excessive nursing at first. He didn't believe he deserved it, but there was only so much he could do against your stubbornness, and therefore allowed himself to indulge in your care.

A couple of days with you around his house from morning to evening already had Reiner seeing you in a different light.

His self-reproach and the nature of your relationship so far hadn't allowed him to venture into any other desires. But as he observed you comfortably strolling around the living room, taking your liberty in the kitchen as if it were yours, and seamlessly conversing with his mother and family, he found himself unable to keep his thoughts in check.

The striking growth of your figure stirred urges he'd never gotten the chance to delve into before, but your effortless bearing had him fantasizing about something more noble and profound. He pictured a life where this mellow domesticity and this warm and peaceful atmosphere would have been his routine. A life where he wouldn't have had to seek approval from anyone because he would have been accepted and loved for who he truly was.

To think that everything he could have needed was at arm's reach, that this could have been his reality had he only listened and taken the time to see through his childish dreams was simply cruel.

These ruminations weren't one-sided.

In that setting, you caught a glimpse of that future you'd always wished to build with Reiner, but unlike him, experiencing what you now could never obtain had the reverse effect on you. And instead of appreciating these moments, you were left more dismayed than you'd like to admit. It was pointless to let this get to your head; you had long come to terms with the fate of your relationship. But it was stronger than you.

The sentiment only festered the longer you were there, and when Reiner was finally summoned at the HQ a few days later, you couldn't have been more grateful.

You couldn't distance yourself from him at once, though. It was nonsensical, and even in your most bitter states, you knew it. In all honesty, you didn't even want to; the need to still be around him stemmed from your intrinsic sadomasochism. So, you accompanied him on the evening walks, but you were sullen, edgy, snappish, and didn't even bother hiding it.

You drew satisfaction from him noticing your tenseness and asking about it, only to inflict pain upon yourself by brushing it off and claiming that nothing was wrong whenever he did.