No Judgement , Stiles Stilinski ⁴ ✓

[ 7 ] the truth about new orleans

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007. THE TRUTH ABOUT NEW ORLEANS

Aspen Bellator

I know a lot of you must be pretty annoyed with me right now.

Some of you might even hate me, and believe me—I hate me too. I walk around with these morals, morals that I expect other people to live up to, but I can't even fulfil myself. I'm a hypocrite.

I hate it when people lie to me—yet here I am, keeping even bigger, even darker secrets from them. I guess no matter how much I tell myself I've changed, that I've learnt my lesson— I never really do. I keep repeating the same mistakes, like it's a vicious cycle that I'll never be able to end.

I've started studying psychology. Learning how our brains works, why we do what we do, what controls our personality. You'd think that maybe by learning why my brain is wired the way it is— that I'd come to understand how to be a better person. That I'd learn how to get my way out of self destructive patterns, that I'd learn how to do the right thing.

Maybe one day I will. But right now— I'm stuck. Stuck in my path of self destruction, I feel like a passenger in my own life. Like I'm forced to sit by and watch as I ruin everything good I ever had.

Sometimes I feel like I'm out of my own body, watching down on my physical being— sometimes I feel like screaming at myself, strangling myself as the lies come out of my mouth so easily.

I'm a liar. I'm a hypocrite. And I'm a traitor.

Every time I look down at my hand, and see that ring on my finger—Stiles' promise ring—I feel like I'm going to be sick with guilt.

It wasn't just a promise this time— it was a vow. I looked into his eyes and vowed I'd never do this again. That I'd never lie or keep anything from him. But alas, here I am, keeping what is probably the worst secret of all.

I'd never admit it to him—but Theo did get in my head. All that stuff about Scott and Stiles never looking at me the same way after they find out— I can't deny a part of me believes it. What I've done is awful— and the fate of my friends is now in my hands. I know I should tell them—or at least Stiles. He did, after all, promise to never judge me.

But after he finds out... how could he not judge me?

Would he still look at me like I'm an angel after he finds out I made a deal with the devil?

Maybe they'd understand— maybe they'd go easy on me, considering I wasn't truly myself at the time.

But... is that even true?

I was thousands of miles away from the Nemeton when I was in New Orleans. If all the myths and legends were right, then the farther away I was from it— the weaker the nogitsune's hold on me was.

So maybe... maybe that was just all me.

Maybe I am just a bad person. Maybe I don't deserve to have Stiles look at me like I'm an angel. Maybe I'll just get what's coming to me.

I don't think Allison would be very proud of me right now.

This isn't the life she sacrificed for me to live. This isn't what she'd have wanted from me. I feel like I'm failing her every time I do this. Every time I make this same goddamn mistake over and over again. It's like it's wired in my brain to keep secrets.

I wonder what she'd say to me if she was here. Whether she'd tell me this isn't my fault, or if she'd judge me like I'm sure everyone else is going to. I wonder what she'd do if she was in my position—she'd probably be honest. She'd tell Scott the truth— I just wish I could do the same.