broke / machine gun kelly

7.

kells and slim's performance was awesome. they had a lot of power. i was sure they would be famous someday. they only played in front of a small crowd, but they were very well received.
after the gig, we sat down at the bar..
they laughed and then kells put his arm around my shoulder and we talked some more.
the boys told me that i could stay longer with them until i/we would find something of our own. they could imagine to searching for a new bigger home, were i could have my own room. it was so sweet, all three of them talked to me about wanting me to stay with them. they said that we would look for a bigger apartment, but i could share the room with kells for the time being. i thought to myself, what can happen, at worse i'll end up back on the street again. i agreed but said i wanted to pay rent then. we celebrated their performance and my 'moving in'. i was happier than i had been in a long time. everything was going well. i wish ethan was here to see this.

"is that chels?". "yes it is!" i heard voices and turned around.
"OMG chels you are still alive" said one of them, jen. "i didn't think i'd see you again, but you look amazing" laughed the other chrissi.
they were two former friends from school. they were the ones who left me hanging when i needed help. they gave me a bitchy look. i didn't know what to say.
"we heard about ethan. my condolences" said chrissi.
"i thought you were going to die first"  jen laughed.
i've never felt the need to punch someone in the face like that. kells and dub were at the bar getting new drinks. only slim was sitting next to me. he put his hand on my knee to calm me down and hold me back.
"very nice, as always, jen" i said dryly.
"yes his friends told us what happened, i guess we'll see you the week at his funeral?" asked chrissi.
"um, when and where?" i asked.
"oh you don't have contact with the others anymore?" laughed jen. chrissi told me the time and place. i thanked her and they left. god i hated jen, she was such a bitch.
slim asked me if everything was ok and i nodded.
we talked all night. my mood was down but i tried not to let it show. the guys drank more. they were starting to get noticeably drunk.
kells got up and said he wanted to talk to a guy at the bar. it was a club owner. we nodded.
a while later, when i looked over at him, i saw jen at his side. she was flirting with him. kells seemed to like it.
a strange feeling made itself felt in my body. we weren't together and there was nothing going on between us yet but i was jealous. he often laid his arm around me, we sometimes cuddled and slept together in a bed, was this nothing for him?
slim was also talking to a girl, only dub was sitting next to me.
he asked me if we wanted to go home, he was tired and drunk. i nodded. he wrote a message to the two of them so as not to disturb them. i looked back at the bar and saw jen trying to kiss kells. i turned away quickly. i didn't wanted to see that.

back in the house i lay down on the couch. i didn't want to sleep next to kells in the bed. i felt so stupid. how could i think that there was something between us. i was a dirty girl from the street. they were just doing a good deed by taking me in.
all my dark thoughts were spreading.
I finally fell asleep.

i woke up early the next morning in pure panic. the whole evening ran through my head again. i missed ethan so much, i wished he would be on my side rn. i felt cramped and had to get out of that house. i crept into kells room and saw him fast asleep. i quietly packed up my things and left the house. for me it was the right thing to do at that moment.
later i called my boss and asked if i could have the day of ethan's funeral off. she told me that i could even have the day off until the funeral. i thanked her.
i walked through the streets without a destination. i met a few people i had met in my early days on the streets. we talked. they still hadn't made the real step into life too. i told them about ethan, they also knew him because he had been on the road with me before. they were shocked. i decided to spend the time until the funeral with them. i had nothing else to go and i didnt wanted to kells and the boys. it wasn't easy at times because they also took drugs but they gave me the feeling of being closer to ethan.
we roamed the streets for the next few days. i don't know why but i said yes when a friend of theirs offered me pills. i was always against drugs but i didn't want to feel anymore. i took them and they made me high. it felt good. i thought one week taking them was okay and then i would go back sober to my life with a job.
we partied a lot, threw pills and they drank a lot too. it was the opposite of how i always was but i wanted to live, i didnt wanted to feel. i was broke since ethan died and lost myself completely.
the days passed and the day of the funeral had come. i put on my fanciest clothes. it didn't help much because i hadn't showered. besides, i had circles under my eyes and looked like death. i wanted to experience the funeral sober, but i couldn't. i took something else and we went on our way.