CAMBRIA

NINETEEN

As Rita Mae Brown once said, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If that was the case, then perhaps Cambria really was insane.

Enthralled by the violence, she thought there could be no greater love. Trapped in a paradoxical cycle of fighting and making up, screaming, and then sex. Happiness, and heartache. She was addicted to the mercurial, unattainable high.

She took the good days as they came and relished in the euphoric feeling that Lawson's presence brought. She anticipated their next fight, where he'd pin her against the wall, arms above her head. And then his mouth would be on hers, hot and violent.

He was like a drug, and her tolerance kept going up and up, constantly needing more and more just to feel something.

Over time, her submissiveness weaned, and she turned into something else entirely. She turned into something resembling him.

When he'd yell at her, she'd yell louder. When he'd slap her across the face, she'd slap him back twice as hard. Anything he did to her, she reciprocated.

She felt that she had garnered some kind of respect in his books. And while that may have been true, he still needed control, and Cambria's relentless endurance only made him angrier, her blatant disregard for conceding making things worse.

The last Friday in April, he took her out to dinner. She finished getting ready in the upstairs bathroom while Lawson waited for her in the kitchen. She put in her earrings, adjusted her dress, and made her way downstairs.

Upon entering the kitchen, Lawson's eyes trailed the length of her body. His face tightened. "You're not leaving the house in that."
"Why not? I thought I looked nice."
"You do. But I don't want to have to kill anyone tonight."
This pleased her.
"You're so fucking hot," he said. "I'm gunna get arrested."
She walked towards him, slow and methodical. "How bad do you want to fuck me right now?"
"So fucking bad."
"Fuck me, then."
In one quick motion, he turned her around and bent her over the kitchen table, lifting her dress. She wasn't wearing underwear.
He unbuckled his jeans and pushed into her. She cried out as he slammed her face against the table and fucked her rigorously.
Once he came, he pulled out and zipped up his jeans. He handed her a tissue. She pulled down her dress, re-applied her lipstick. And then they were out the door.

They sat at a corner booth at the back of the restaurant, away from everyone else, just how Lawson liked it. He hated other people. Hated conversing. Hated her socializing with anyone that wasn't him. They ordered appetizers and beers, and a shot each.

Cambria was only on her second drink by the time he was on his fifth.

"We should go away somewhere," he said, stars in his eyes.
"Like where?"
"Cabo. Hawaii. I'd go anywhere with you."
"I'd love to go to Europe."
"Fuck Europe." The waiter suddenly appeared to collect their plates. "Can I get another rum and coke?"
"I'll take another as well," Cambria chimed in.
"Uh, no she won't. She'll have a water."
She looked at him. "I don't want a water."
"I think you've had enough to drink."
The waiter stood there uncomfortably, unsure of how to proceed.
"She'll just take a water," Lawson reaffirmed. The waiter looked to Cambria. "Don't look at her, look at me."
"Lawson!"
At that, the waiter disappeared.
"What the fuck is your problem? I've only had two drinks."
"Alright, Cambria," he laughed, like she was some dumb teenage girl who didn't know a thing about alcohol.
As Cambria was frowning, two men walked by. Her eyes flickered in their direction.
Upon seeing this, Lawson snapped. "Did you just look at her?"
The two men stopped once they realized he was speaking to them.
"Uh, no, we're just going to the restroom."
"Together? Faggots."
"Lawson!"
"Keep your eyes off my fucking girlfriend."
The men continued walking, thankfully, and Cambria's face flushed with heat. "You're embarrassing me."
"Oh I'm embarrassing you, am I? You're fucking embarrassing me. You're trashed off two drinks."
"I'm not even drunk! I'm fucking sober."
"Alright, that's enough," he abruptly stood. "We're going home."
"We haven't even finished eating yet."
"I'm no longer hungry." He took out his wallet, threw down a few bills, then grabbed her, yanking her up.
"You're causing a scene," she growled as he dragged her through the restaurant, eyes trailing after them.
They walked outside in a haste. Lawson pulled out his keys as they approached his truck, heading straight for the driver's side.
Cambria intercepted him, grabbing his keys and blocking the door.
"What are you doing?" he said.
"You can't drive, you're plastered."
"Are you fucked? Give me the keys." He reached out to snatch them from her but she pulled away, causing him to lose his balance.
She laughed. "See?"
"Give me the keys."
"You're not driving."
"I smoked my first cigarette at the age of ten; you really think you can tell me what to do?"
"I'm not seeing the relevance or the correlation."
"Give me the fucking keys."
She did not relent.
Finally, he lunged forward and shoved her head against the truck. She dropped the keys reflexively. He bent down and grabbed them before she had the chance. "Get in the fucking truck."
Hand pressed to her head, she conceded, walking around to the passenger side and getting. He stuck the keys in the ignition.
As he reversed out of the spot, she made a silent prayer that they would crash. Maybe then he'd die. Maybe they both would.

They somehow made it home unscathed. Cambria did not believe in God, but she did that night. He parked the truck in the driveway and they went into the house.

She went straight to the kitchen and filled a glass of water. He came up behind her and she handed it to him. He drained the whole thing in three seconds.

"Are you still hungry?" he asked.
"No."
"You look beautiful."
"You're fucking insane."
"I would kill for you."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm aware."
"Do you believe me?"
"Honestly? Yeah. And that scares me."
"You shouldn't be scared. Opposite of scared. You should feel safe and protected."
"Yet somehow, I don't."

He took her by the hand and led her upstairs to the bedroom, where slowly, inch by inch, he kissed her entire body before removing her dress.

He shoved her backwards and she collapsed onto the bed, head on the pillow. He crawled on top of her, kissing her neck, her mouth, and she let him, because this was her favorite part, after all.

His kiss deepened, and she melted into him. He tore off his pants and flipped her over so that she was on her stomach. She arched her back, bracing for him to enter her. And when he finally did, a searing pain ripped through her body.

She cried out, pushing him off her.
"What? What happened?"
"It hurts." She turned around and looked up at him.
"Why?"
"What do you mean why? Maybe from when you fucked me raw in the kitchen earlier."
This seemed to perplex him. "Sorry. I'll be gentle."
Reluctantly, she turned over, and they tried again. He pushed in slower this time, as if that would make a difference.
She gasped out in pain. "Stop."
He pulled out and collapsed onto the bed next to her, looking up at the ceiling.
She rolled onto her side to face him. "Lawson?"
He didn't respond.
"I can't help it that I'm sore. That's your fault, not mine."
"Yes, it's my fault. Everything is always my fault."
"Well it is your fault. This is your doing."
"Are you really that disgusted by me? That you can't even look at me or have sex with me?"
"What the fuck are you talking about? I'm in pain. You fucking hurt me."
"If you don't want to have sex with me just say it. You don't need to makeup bullshit excuses."
"I'm not making this up."
"I know you don't love me. I can see it in your face. You're repulsed by me. You don't want to be with me anymore. You're going to leave me, just like everyone else."
"You know that's not true."
He turned over on his side, away from her.
"Lawson," she reached out and touched his shoulder. "I love you."
"Do you?"
"Yes, you know I do. More than anything, or anyone."
Slowly, he turned around. Once they were face to face, they stared into each other's eyes. "I'm nothing without you," she continued. "I need you."
"Tell me you love me."
"I love you."

Then she kissed him. It was slow at first, reluctant, but quickly gained momentum. He pulled her on top of him and she moved her hips, grinding her body onto him.

He kissed her harder, deeper. Then he lifted her hips, just slightly, and brought her back down slowly until he was inside of her again. She nearly screamed out in pain but his mouth engulfed hers, silencing her cries.

It felt like she was being ripped apart from the inside as he thrusted into her. The burning pain seemed to lessen the longer it went on. She was tuned out mentally, and the less she focused on it, the less she could feel it.

Finally, just when she couldn't take it any longer, he finished, and Cambria pulled herself off him, turning to the side as she lay there and caught her breath.

Lawson stood abruptly and went into the washroom. She heard the shower start.

He didn't come back.