Us, Through the Seasons

Warmth on a Chilly Night

His first cry. His first carry. His first burp. His first word. His first step. All of his firsts. I, as his father, was there with Kyong.

As I sat here on the couch, watching Kyong line up his colored pencils repeatedly, I couldn't help but recall all the times that I was with him growing up.

All my sleepless nights. Dirty diapers. Morning walks. Cute little chuckles as we play. I know my son better than anyone.

"Kyong-ah..." I called for him.

"Kyong..." I called again.

.
.
.

"Kyong!" I shouted so loud that the sound reverberated through my eardrums.

But he still didn't look my way.

With my loud yell, Yeon-Su came out of the bathroom hurriedly to check on us. I didn't know why but I feel anger building up within me.

"What happened here? Ung?" Yeon Su asked.

"Are you done yet? Let me take a shower next." I asked, stood and went to the bathroom to take a shower.

The water's cold. Is the thermostat broken?

As I take my cold shower, I let out all this pent up frustrations that I feel. Making me bear the cold with the warmth that trickled down my cheeks.

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Ung didn't want to have Kyong checked by a specialist, a neurodevelopmental pediatrician. But I do. I know something is indeed wrong. So rather than waiting and denying this fact, I want to do something. I want to do everything I can to help my son.

I scheduled for an appointment. I even asked help from our parents to stall Ung for a while. I know that Ung would feel betrayed by what I'm about to do but I'm sorry. We would definitely fight about this but our son needs our help. I'm sure he'll come around. He can't get mad at me nor Kyong for too long anyway.

Kyong and I came to the doctor's office. As we walk together, I'm feeling my steps get heavier and heavier.

Have you already done something where you already know the inevitable outcome but still decided to go, just to check? It was like you are walking yourself to your own misery.

The specialist asked me countless things. My pregnancy history. How Kyong was as he was growing up. What behaviors I noticed. How he responds to certain situations. The doctor also tried to make Kyong do things. Asked him. Observed him.

Then, we went home.

I didn't know what I expected for the specialist to say.

Did I think maybe it will change? Or that my hunch was wrong? That Ung was right?

Still, I got a confirmation.

I thought it'll help me collect my thoughts better. Plan out what to do for our future. Understand Kyong better.

I still felt lost. I don't know what to do. Little did I know that this was just the tip of the ice berg that's about to hit us.

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Yeon-Su had Kyong checked. He was recommended to attend various early intervention or therapy services. They said it would also be great if he could gain more social skills so Yeon-Su ordered me to bring Kyong to day care everyday. So he can play with other kids around.

I usually just leave him to his teacher. For about two or three hours. Then I'll go visit the restaurants for a while. Or maybe ponder around for a while.