He wondered if it was just him, or if Paro and Chandramukhi felt also terribly awkward. He didn't really know where to look, what to say or do. Like every time he stepped into Chandramukhi's room, only to find Paro by her side. What the two women talked about he was not eager to find out. Clearly he would be the main topic. But he was tired of thinking his relationship with Paro over and over again, of attempts to dissect it and make some sense of what happened to it. And past several days showed him how little it mattered anyway. Someone else mattered.
But finding the two women together still put him in an awkward position. Like now. Even though they did not notice him.
Chandramukhi was sitting on the edge of the bed, taking an advantage of his not being present - as he insisted she should by lying down all the time - and Paro was kneeling behind her, braiding her hair. Indeed. After five days she basically slept through Chandramukhi didn't complain of anything. Except her hair being a mess. She couldn't properly reach it because of the unending backpain, and her fingers got all swollen and clumsy. Paro must have volunteered. He looked on for a minute, desperately searching for something to say. Then he gave up and silently left the room. He did not see Paro's eyes widen in surprise and sudden understanding, when she was done with Chandramukhi's long braid, leaving her back partially exposed. It was just for a second, a fleeting moment, before Chandramukhi pulled her pallu across her back and turned to her with a grateful, yet shy smile.
"Thank you." She caught Paro's hand. "For everything. I know you don't have to do this."
"You would do it for me too," Paro said hurriedly. In spite of what Devdas may have thought, they did not yet touch this painful topic. They talked of others thing, things of little consequence. And a bit about the baby. But never about how all this came to be.
"There wouldn't be a need," Chandramukhi said. "And also.... I find myself... different lately. Ever since he married me... ever since I've been pregnant... I feel and think like someone unfamiliar to myself. There are things I never knew I could feel. I know I am probably not making any sense to you. But really.... most of all I feel possesive about him." She did not need to take his name. After all, their hearts were beating for the same man. "It is ironic. Before I was nothing to him, without slightest hope of him ever giving me a kind look. And he loved you. And so I loved you too, because you were so dear to him," she smiled. "Even before you came to visit me. I have never been jealous, I have never made any claims. But now... I am changed. And I feel so ungrateful. Because here I am, taking advantage of your good heart. You are so kind to me. But Paro," she looked at her with fright and a plea in her eyes, "at any given moment I fear that coming here was a mistake. Not because we could be found. But because being so close to you I am scared he may take his love away from me. Again. And I will not be able to live if he does. I will not, Paro."
She lowered her head, feeling ashamed of herself, but too agitated to take anything back.
"You need to calm down," Paro answered after a little while. "We all have feelings that don't do us justice from time to time. And you are with child. Just think about it. How much more lucky you are than me," she smiled bitterly, but without any nastiness. Those few days that had flown by she had time to cope with what happened. At least for a time. She knew by now that it was for the best to deal with emotions after the blow was dimmed by fading memory of it. She helped Chandramukhi into bed, putting a pillow behind her back. It worried her how weak Chandramukhi still was, in spite of the rest she got. Even those few minutes of just sitting seemed to have exhausted her. Determined to call upon a doctor again, Paro then left the room. Passing a mirror on the corridor, she caught an image of herself. And her eyes couldn't stand that sight for long. She felt ashamed. She just braided her hair and laid her to rest. And already her heart was paining with whatever hope that had been left and now awoken by Chandramukhi's admission. Could it be? Could it really be, that Devdas would love her again?
She heard the door creak. Devdas was entering the room she had just left. She must not let herself feel like this. She will not ruin anything for anyone. She will not. She took a few deep breaths. Now, that felt better. With a head held high, she carried on.
...........
Fingers brushed over her forehead. His fingers. She would know his touch anywhere. She wondered if pretending to be asleep would fool him enough and she would not have to open her eyes, which again must have been red from tears. She hated herself for crying over everything these days. She was not stupid. She noticed that Paro never really assured her Devdas would not fall for her. Then again, how could she? She was so loveable. Beautiful. And her? She looked terrible. She knew it and he would not deny it. She could not even blackmail him with saying she was carrying his child and that was what destroyed her beauty and body. He did not want that child, in the end.
A gentle kiss on her temple.
"I know you are awake."
Another kiss.
"Come on. Bou."
Bou. Wife. He called her this at those times he felt too lazy to say her whole name. In time it became a little secret, never used in front of others. Only in the most gentle moments. Whispered like a breeze.
She opened her eyes, and even though he noticed the redness, he said nothing.
"How are you feeling?"
"Good."
She caught his hand and played with his fingers. Him being near felt right. He was hers in this moment.
"Is there anything you need?"
"You," she whispered and gave him a smile. "Just be here."
............
Paro was startled when she felt somebody's hand on her shoulder, shaking her violently from her sleep.
"Who is it!?"
"It's me."
"Devdas?"
She managed to find matches and quickly lit a lamp. He looked like a ghost. Pale and shaking, he looked close to a breakdown.
"What is it? What happened?" she asked anxiously.
"Send for the doctor. Now. Immediately."
"Dev...."
Then she heard it. A cry out in the distance. Just one, but Devdas' eyes shot to the entrance, even more terrified than before. He wanted to move but was unable to. Paro run past him, understanding everything and refusing to loose a single moment. Within few minutes she woke up the servants and dragged the coachman out of the bed. "You will get a doctor here. Understand? And if you cannot find him, bring a midwife. Best if you bring both. Now!"
