Blinding Faith

11 Day Until the New Moon (Part Two)

I thought I would feel better once I was home, but I don't. I am dizzy and overwhelmed. The air is too thick and the walls are too close. Sweat beads on my skin despite the chill in the air. I untie my belt and throw it on the chesterfield, even my clothes are too tight right now. Elsie chirps at me curiously as I pace the floor. I'm just now struck by the realization that these lessons will be taking place every day for the near future. Every day Jeb will probably walk me home afterwards, and muse about becoming High Priest and me being his High Lady. Every encounter with Aldon from now on will be watched and scrutinized until we are so filled with awkwardness and shame that we give up. I will resign myself to my life as a Blessed One, possibly my life as a High Lady. It's all so very real.

Part of me wants to lie down, but a bigger part of me wants to run. It's a silly thought, where would I run to? The village is surrounded by forest, a forest that is filled with dangerous beasts. Still, my legs itch to move. Before I have time to think about what I am doing I fly back out through the door, slamming it behind me. I start to run, in no particular direction. The cold air scratches at my throat with every breath. My heart pounds in my chest. I feel an urgency, like if I just run fast enough I can outrun my fate. I dig my heels into the ground and slide to a halt when I realize I'm at the edge of the forest.

We're forbidden to go into the forest, it's for our own safety. Surely whatever monsters lurk inside aren't this close to the village though. Going in just a few steps should be alright. I don't know why I suddenly feel such an urge to cross this threshold. My whole life I have been told things and expected to just believe. Every new piece of information I am ever given only ever adds to the mystery. I have so many questions and not a single answer. If I am going to be forced to spend the rest of my life as a well behave Blessed One and High Lady, then I need to at least once dare to question.

I stare into the trees. Everything inside is still and quiet. The grass seems taller and greener, the effects of being allowed to grow without being constantly trampled down. Wildflowers bloom in varieties that I have never seen within the village. Even the moss that grows along the tree trunks looked soft and luscious. There's not a single beast in sight, or any creature for that matter.

I lean up against one of the trees on the edge of the forest. Even though I haven't stepped inside, just being so close is exhilarating. The trees bark is rough beneath my hands, and I find myself chipping away at it anxiously. Glancing around I find myself completely alone, nobody would know if I were to slip past this threshold.

My pulse quickens. I try to stand up straight but my hands are shaking violently and my knees begin to buckle. I press my body against the tree trunk again to keep myself steady. Step by step I slide my body around the tree. I can't bear to look up, and instead focus on the pattern of the bark and the bugs that crawl over it. I stop when the outline of the village comes into view behind my tree. I've crossed the line, I'm on the other side. I'm inside the forest.

My breath catches. I don't know what I was expecting. Lord's teaching always made it seem like the second you take one step inside the forest a horde of beasts will descend upon you. But there's nothing. My chest rises and falls with each ragged breath. I press my forehead against the tree, ignoring the bark that scratches at my forehead and the bugs that crawl too close to my face. Several minutes pass before my pulse stops pounding in my ears. Each moment that I am not gored and gutted by a beast I relax a little more. My breaths come easier and my shaking subsides.

Then I smile. Then laugh. I'm not even an arm length inside the forest but I feel so rebellious. I want more of this feeling. I push myself off the tree and this time I am able to stand without collapsing. The village disappears, replaced by nothing but endless forest as I turn myself around. I take a step forward on legs that don't feel like my own. Then another. The air feels different in here. It's as if I can breathe it easier. There are no beasts in here, and if there are I don't care. They can come and take me and I will die knowing that I had asked a question and gotten an answer, for once in my life.