Finding Heaven

Part 19: Nobody Else

(Author note at end).

"Well, say something!" Robbie nervously chuckled. From his position in Gary's lap, Robbie looked up into the Frodsham lad's eyes looking for any sign of confirmation in them. What would Gary say? He knew what he wanted Gary to say...

Gary however, stared down at him blankly. He opened his mouth only to gently close it again like a fish gulping. Then a smile came over his face; and Robbie's heart began to lift –

"No, you don't Rob – " Gary said with a soft chuckle, "Don't be silly".

Robbie's heart instantly popped like a balloon. He searched Gary's eyes once more but only felt something the weight of lead, drop in the pit of his stomach - "You don't believe me?" he asked incredulously as he now sat up and faced his boyfriend at eye level.

"Are you serious?" Gary shook his head in bewilderment.

"Completely". Robbie said. Now looking Gary straight in the eyes. His hands rested on Gary's shoulders and gripped him there, as if to affirm his point.

Gary looked at him curiously and smiled. Robbie's heart began to inflate once more. Then Gary shook his head and looked down.

"Rob – you're on drugs, and drink – you don't even know what you're saying." He told him. "You won't even remember this tomorrow!"

"You think I don't know what I'm sayin'?" Robbie's temper began to flare.

"You're high." Gary said matter-of-factly.

"I'm not! Not anymore anyway."

"It's still the drink and drugs talking though; you'll regret it tomorrow!" Gary tried.

"I'm not saying this on the whim, you idiot!" Robbie retorted, "I've been thinking about this for ages. I've fought with myself about it for weeks but it's true – I do love you".

Saying it a second time was easier but oddly more painful. Gary was giving him no indication of what he was feeling. Worse still – Gary obviously still didn't even believe he was being genuine.

Gary read the look on Robbie's face, "I'm not saying...I mean, I believe you. Or I get how you may think that - but it's real".

"My love for you is not real?! That's what you think?" Robbie's face twisted in an angry grimace.

Gary swallowed dryly. That's not what he thought at all. His words hadn't come out as he would've liked. He knew Robbie would take that as invalidation; and Gary didn't mean too. But then Robbie had sprung this on him, and frankly in this tired state he couldn't quite formulate what to properly say. After all he'd just spent the last hour on a cold bathroom floor too scared of Robbie's drug-induced state, to sleep a wink. Not that Robbie would even consider that fact!

Robbie shook his head in disbelief. He'd been all ready for Gary to not say it back to him. He'd have understood that – he'd not believe it, but he'd understand since Gary was always a few steps behind him. But for his declaration of love to just be so easily and immediately dismissed – he hadn't seen that coming. And it hurt.

"Rob – please don't get mad" Gary said gently, knowing full well what thoughts were going through Robbie's mind.

But Robbie was already standing up, albeit a little unsteadily as the blood suddenly rushed to his head.

"Rob – don't leave. Not like this!" Gary pleaded as he swiftly got up and caught Robbie's swaying form.

Robbie pushed the blonde's helping hands haphazardly away, "What do you expect me to do when you've just rejected me like that?!"