Fire Away

13.

"Anna" he whispered through the phone. I shut my eyes tight. Apart of me says I shouldn't do this but the other part says I need to. "Baby I'm so sorry please if you can -"

"Niall" I interrupt him. I took a deep breath "I- I can't do this, we should break up. I think we need time apart."

He stayed silent. And tears began to fill my eyes, overflowing onto my cheeks. But this is what I need right now, as much as I do love him I can't deal with the pain he brought me making me feel like I'm not good enough for him anymore.

"I'm sorry" I whispered.

"Don't do this Anna. It was a mistake. It won't happen again. I'll never touch alcohol again."

"That doesn't change the way you spoke to me Niall" my voice became quiet, almost to a whisper. I know if I talk normally, I'll start to cry. "You know how much I needed you. How much I want you. You're the one who always reassured me that we were good together. I told you about the anxiety I fight with. I was vulnerable with you. You know how hard that was for me? I can barely tell my family how I truly feel. But it came so natural with you. You made me feel like I was home. I finally found my home with you Niall, just for it to be taken away. I'm not justifying my actions either. You deserved to know how much you mean to me"

"Anna" his voice was shaky

"You deserve so much more Niall. I'm sorry for holding back, I'm sorry for not being the social type. I'm so sorry." I cried. "Niall, I want you to know, you'll always have my heart."

I pulled the phone away from my ear, he said my name, but before I can hear him more I hung up. I laid on my side hugging my pillow and crying into it. My phone continued to vibrate next to me. I turned airplane mode on and left my phone aside for the rest of the night.

This hurts so bad.

-

Month 1

I didn't realize how bad I got until today. I walked back into my bedroom and realized just how dirty it's gotten. I think the hot shower got to me and cleared my head up. After work I come straight up to my room with out turning the light on and since it's dark out by 5 my room was pitch black most of the time.

I brushed my hair and put it in a pony tail. Today is the day I'm putting myself back together.
I think.
I cleaned everything out. Half of everything was fast food that I door dashed and bags and boxes of online orders I've done for Christmas. Which was now only a week away and I still had to get my parents their gifts. Maybe that'll be a further step for me to take and leave the house. Besides work I haven't gone anywhere, so the usual.

I stood in front of my clean room and lit the candle for the finishing touch.

Is this me coming to terms with the past month.

Todays the first day I feel alright and not miserable.

I wonder how he's doing

It's been a while since I last really thought of him, but it's better off that way. Thinking about us has really affected me.
A piece of my still wishes I hadn't left him. That I had cooled down and talked to him about our fight. But I also didn't want to be a burden to him having to deal with all my baggage. He stopped trying to get in contact with me about 2 weeks ago. And again most of the time I didn't respond. Becca still texts me everyday, FaceTimes now and then but along with Elle, they really helped me through this.

I just wished it was all so different, I miss waking up to him in his T-shirt, always being buried in his scent.
For the first few days being home I didn't want to wake up, waking up alone was such an empty feeling that I didn't know before him.