We'll Always Have Hawaii

Chapter 12

Lindsey managed to get Stevie back into her bedroom and lay her down on her bed, removing her sandals, jacket and nightgown until she was only dressed in her nightie. He then removed his clothes, as well, and joined her underneath the blankets to comfort and warm her tiny, weak body. He only wanted to be close to her, feel her. And even though, it hurt immensely to know what had happened to their child, their daughter, who he had never seen, he was glad he finally knew what had made Stevie react the way she had done all those years, but especially the past few months. She was hurting, simply as that. And he had always thought she had not wanted to be with him or even had not truly loved him but instead she had only wanted him to have a family and be happy.

He knew he had to make that final step, now. He would tell Kristen the truth and leave her. And this time for good. And nothing Stevie could possibly say would make him change his mind again. He wanted to be with her more than anyting else on earth. No more Hawaii trips. He couldn't do this to Stevie anymore, not since he knew what she had been through all this time.

He sighed heavily and pulled her closer to him, her head buried in the curve of his neck.

"Stephanie?"

She sobbed lightly in response.

"I love you. And I'm so so sorry for everything that happened between us.. I.. I cannot even tell you how terribly sorry I am.."

"It's not your fault..", she whimpered.

"It is.."

"No, it isn't, Linds.."

"It is. I made so many mistakes along the way.. If I had known that.."

"Shhhhh..", she hushed him, "Don't, Linds.."

"We need to talk about it, Steph! I.. I wanna grieve for my child.. Our child.."

"Lindsey..", she cried and dug her nails painfully in his arms.

"What was her name?", he said softly and looked down at her.

Slowly, she lifted up her head and looked into his eyes that were welling in silent tears. It overwhelmed her to see him in such pain. She had always longed to grieve with him together for their babygirl but had never dared to tell him. Now, that it was finally out, all the pain, grieve and deep emotions surfaced again and though it hurt like hell, it was also a feeling of release.

"I... Well... She had no name yet.."

"What?", he said in disbelief.

"I just.. I.. I somehow thought we'd name her together when she would have been born but she.. you know..", once again she broke up as a wave of heavy sobs overwhelmed her.

"Oh, Steph..", he sighed heavily and pulled her in his arms again to rock her lightly back and forth, "How did you manage to torture yourself like that?"

"I have no idea.."

"But what did you think back then? How did you think things would turn out?"

"I.. Well, I thought, I'd call you when I was in labour and.. I wanted you by my side on that day, Linds.. Have you holding my hand when I... But it never happened and.. When I lost her I thought it'll be better if only I have to go through this.. I didn't want to make you miserable again, Linds.. After all, it wasn't the first time, I lost one of our children.."

"I know..", he mumbled, his mind going to dark places he had pushed far away for years.

Memories of a Stevie lying in her own blood in the middle of the night, screaming like hell... He shook his head to get rid of those painful pictures.

"I think we should.. We should give her a name, Steph."

"What?"

"She deserves a name, don't you think? She was.. is our child.."

Stevie felt as if her whole heart was ripped into a million pieces. This all hurt so fucking much! It was nearly unbearable. Slowly, she freed herself out of his embrace and grabbed her journal that was still lying on her nightstand. She opened it up and took the black and white sonogram, then gave it to Lindsey.

"This is her. It was taken a few days before.. Well.. you know.."

Lindsey took the photo into his shaky hands, his eyes capturing in awe what they had lost so many years ago, one of his fingers lovingly grazing the little human being in the picture.

"Oh, Stephanie.. How can I ever... I mean.. I..", he was freely crying himself now.

He didn't care. And he couldn't hold all those raw emotions back no more. This was just too much.

"Steph...", he whined.

"I know..", she whispered, silent tears running down her cheeks again.

"What do you wanna call her?" he said eventually after some time had passed by which they had spent doing nothing but looking at their lost daughter and silently crying while holding each other in their arms.

"I.. I don't know.. I..", she stuttered.

"What about Rhiannon? You've always loved that name.."

"Lindsey, I canot call her that! I'd break apart on stage every single time I'd sing that song! It's been hard enough with Sara all those years.."

He nodded understandingly. Of course.. He hadn't thought about that.

"Well.. What about Liliane?"

"Lily?", she whimpered and looked up at him with big, sad eyes.

"Yes.. Lily.", he nodded, "Do you want to call our daughter Lily, Steph?", he asked softly and took her hands into his, gently stroking and squeezing them in this emotional moment.

His question again made her fall into a heavy crying fit. Oh, how much she had wished to hear this sentence from him in a hospital with both of them looking down on their healthy, little girl so many years ago.. - but destiny had taken them another way. It had never meant to be.

"Well, so it's Liliane, Sara and Henry.. Can you believe we lost three of them? Three?", she whined heartbreakingly, "Why? Why, Lindsey? Why?"

"I don't know, Steph.. I.. I have no idea.."

She once again broke apart.

"Oh baby.. Steph.. No.. What can I.. Tell me, what can I do? What can I do to make you feel better?"

"Just hold me..", she whimpered.

And they clung in one tear-streaked embrace through the rest of the night until they eventually drifted off to sleep.