Intoxicated✔️

Expectations

Chapter 30

Do you ever just get tired of being sad? Having to skip out on things you'd normally enjoy because you're just too tired and drained to do it.

I don't know. I feel like people assume that once you want to be happy again after being sad for so long, you can just be happy again.

If only it were so simple.

Alessio and I haven't talked— he hasn't been home. I'm worried about him, and I know I shouldn't be after everything but he's unpredictable.

Leo has been here more often now that Alessio isn't, it's clear to everyone that they don't care for each other.

Sage told me they've been like this since she met them roughly five years ago. They've known each other since childhood and it's always been a competition.

They remind me of Merella and I when we were younger. Everything was a competition to us— well, her. She always beat me at everything, no matter what it was.

I don't want to be sad anymore. My body is almost healed now. I hope to ask if I can join them on jobs again, something to get me out of the house and active again.

I want to train too. Get my body back into what it used to be.

Ever since I had a baby inside of me, my body has been different.

To say that I knew I was pregnant wouldn't be true, but I knew something was wrong considering my thighs became thicker, hips wider— I thought it could be tumor and i'd die soon.

That was the hope.

Of course, it's not that way anymore.

I've done my best to stay positive through everything.

It feels good to be alone during the day. To be able to spend time with Grayson and catch up on all the shows I missed.

At night is different though.

The nightmares— i've had nightmares often throughout my life because of triggers from my easily overthinking brain— but never like this.

My mind has just been everywhere the past few days.

You know, when something bad happens and you don't react right away— it takes a few days for it to actually hit?

Recently, it's really hit me that I lost a child. It hit that I have no one to go to who would understand that feeling.

Who would even know what to say.

No one has really been to the house today. I assume they're on a job somewhere that's a couple of hours away.

I hate that Alessio hasn't came home.

I've slept in his office just incase he might stop by.

He hasn't.

Random thought...do you ever feel like you expect or ask too much from the world?

You expect to be happy and successful, protected even. If you don't expect that, you at least ask for it in life.

Is that really asking for too much though?

I mean really, is asking to be happy in life too much?

Is our definition of successful...expecting too much from the world.

Is me asking Alessio to care asking for too much?

I'll tell you what is too much... me expecting him to be different after knowing who he is.