My Secret Shadows

《Chapter 17》

Snape's POV:

I sulkily pulled my cloak tighter around my shoulders. I had literally saved Lillian's life, not once but twice, and how did she repay me? She apparated as soon as there was an open opportunity. I chuffed irritability. It was laughable how vulnerable I had been, standing in the frigid snow of Silverwood Forest.

I had shown my deepest secrets, including the one I was utterly ashamed of. My Dark Mark was not just a stain on my skin, but it was a stain on my conscience. And then...and then...

Lillian had struck like a snake, dulling my carefully constructed layers of ice and bitterness. The way her nails had tugged playfully on my cloak hem and how she could steal my breath with a single kiss played across my mind.

I drummed my fingers hard against my desk. I was supposed to be grading essays on The Forzule Root and it's Nightshade Cousins, but my mind it seemed, was under a spell.

I was very familiar with how love begins. It seems innocent at times, and sharp as a thorn the next. I sneered at my next thought. Love was for the weakest of human souls, and the pain of loss and heartache could not be overcome from the brilliant ecstasy of a single kiss.

I growled in frustration. Lillian Grindelwald was slipping past my frigid, repulsive defenses. And it irked me that I, Severus Snape, was penetrable. I had built a solid wall around my heart the night after I was betrayed. My eyes gently closed in exasperation.

Lilly Evans had been my world. The night James Potter had proposed to Lilly Evans was the night my world ended. I reached into the dusky folds of my cloak and produced a slim golden band. It didn't have elaborate carvings or a shiny diamond, but it was purchased with a pure heart.

I remembered how Lilly had shown James our special Silverwood hideaway. That reveal of OUR special place had felt like a knife stab in the back. And when James got down on one knee, the metaphorical knife twisted and sank into my very being.

Lilly said yes.

I experienced a kind of pain known only to those who have something beautiful and good that is crushed and defiled.

Love.

Even the word sounded raw, like an angry, festering wound. My love for Lilly Evans had been in vain.

I stood up and slipped the ring back into my robes. Lilly's decision to marry another had driven me to join the Dark Lord's Cause. Voldemort had branded me as one of his own, with a mad sort of glee in his malevolent eyes. I shook my head as the back of my neck prickled.

My Dark Mark itched and started to burn again. A sharp rapping sound came from the outside of my office. It sounded like the sharp, decisive clicks of shoes. Bellatrix Lestrange.

My lips curled into a sneer as she pranced into the room, followed closely by Narcissa Malfoy. Narcissa must have used her status as a student's guardian to slip into the castle at this ghastly hour.

I hid my surprise with a mask of indifference. Bellatrix's high cackle echoed throughout my office."Look Cissy! It's Voldemort's pet." She spat the words like poison. "Have you caught the Grindelwald girl yet?"

I scowled down my nose at Bellatrix. "Have you learned how to use a hairbrush yet?"

Bellatrix licked her lips. Her hair was always a bit on the frizzy side, no matter how hard she tried to tame it. "Watch your words, Sev. The Dark Lord was not amused when you failed him. I doubt he will be merciful to you twice." Her eyes dangerously glittered as she laughed again.

Narcissa eased into the room after her older sister, and I noticed she seemed pale and drawn. Her normally elegant knot was drooping and her hands were slightly shaking. My eyes narrowed. "Narcissa, I assume you have a reason for disturbing my evening." Narcissa spoke in a quiet, hesitant sort of voice. "It's about Draco."

I rolled my eyes. Of course it was about Draco."When is it not about Draco?" I huffed. Bellatrix draped a supportive arm over Narcissa. "Cissy here wants to know if you'll keep an eye on little Malfoy." I inwardly blanced. Me, babysitting a rebellious teen? I had my own problems to worry about.

I regarded the sisters coldy and stalked towards my potion cabinet. "I have better things to do than watch a Slytherin Prince, however glorious he or anyone else believes him to be." Narcissa shrugged off her sister's arm. "Severus, please. I'm begging you. I can't loose my only child." Out of the corner of my eye Narcissa's eyes swam with unshed tears.

"Love is a weakness." The words hissed softly and disgustedly from my mouth. Bellatrix bristled. "Are you calling me weak Sev?" I ignored her comment and turned back to Narcissa. "What would you have me do?" She paused and the words rushed out in the anxious fashion of a concerned parent.

"Draco has been appointed to our ranks as a Deatheater, and soon he will receive direct orders from The Dark Lord himself. It is these orders that worry me, for if he fails, he will be killed. I cannot live with a broken heart!" Narcissa's last sentence amused me. I had been living with a broken heart for as long as Lilly had married James Potter.

The days had blurred into months and the months faded into years. Eventually I had learned to exist, if this aching, throbbing emptiness in my chest was living. Bellatrix's eyes sharpened to steel. She was waiting for my answer. "I will do it. Now leave me." My short answer wasn't good enough for Bellatrix. Her voice was as low and biting as a poisonous viper.

"Swear you will watch over Draco, and take the Unbreakable vow." If I made the Unbreakable vow, and that blond brat screwed up his orders, I'd be dead with him. Bellatrix taunted me."You'll never do it. You're just a coward. Aren't you Snivellus?" I imperceptibly swallowed as I gripped Narcissa's small, warm hand in my icy cold one.

"Do it."

As Bellatrix crowed the sickly green spell that would bind my fate to that of a young, inexperienced boy, I thought of Lillian. If I died...would she care? Would she mourn me or would she bury that one, fleeting memory of our moonlight kiss, explaining it away as a trick of twilight and flickers of passion...