Holy Trinity- One shots

Feeling loved

TW SH/ED (this chapter contains detailed talking about those topics and could be really triggering so please don't read if you can be triggered)

In this story Cate and Sandra will be your parents. They just adopted you and will find out about your struggles.

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*Y/N view*

I'm sitting in the back of a car. In the front my new parents. Cate Blanchett and Sandra bullock. I don't know how I got here. Why would they take me?? No one wanted me but then the actresses I always looked up to chose me. That's unbelievable. The drive is long and I feel how my body starts shaking. My leg jumping up and down. When I feel a hand on my knee that's when I realise Sandra has been talking to me.

"Hey Hun are you okay?" She asks me worried looking at me while Cate looks at me through the mirror but still concentrated on driving.

"Uhm yeah sorry" is what I answer trying to give a smile.

"There is no need to be nervous okay. We will show you your home and our cute puppy you will be able to give him a name" Cate says.

"Oh yeah sounds fun" I say trying to sound more excited. Don't get me wrong I am excited it's just that I'm scared that as soon as they find out what they will have to deal with they will shut me away like everyone did.

"Hey you wanna get some McDonald's everyone likes an mcsunday huh?!" Cate says with an inviting voice and a smile from ear to ear already getting into the drive way.

"Uhm no thank you I'm actually not that hungry" I say holding my arms around my belly feeling deeply uncomfortable thinking about eating. I ate this morning before getting picked up that's enough for the day. Else I will gain weight.

"Oh sweetheart are you sure?" Sandra asks.

"Yes I really am not hungry" I say smiling. They both eat their ice creams and share kisses here and there which makes me smile.

We arrive at the beautiful home where a puppy runs right into my arms.

"Oh hey you handsome boy" I say while picking him up.

" Pumpkin." I say out loud.

"What honey?" Cate asks.

"I wanna name him pumpkin" I say. She loves the name and so does sandy so we agree on pumpkin. They show me my room and let me unpack my stuff in peace. I take my bathroom bag and go to my own bathroom. Shit where am I gonna hide my sharpener and razor blades. I put them into a make up bag onto a shelf where it doesn't seem noticeable.

I go downstairs where a prepared table full of food expects me.

"We figured everyone likes pasta so we made pasta if you don't like pasta tho we can make something else." Sandy says.

"Yeah uhm we have enough at home we just want you to feel at home" Cate adds. They are doing too much they are so sweet I can't say no.

"Thanks yeah I like pasta" That wasn't a lie. I love pasta. It's just that it has a lot of calories and I feel like I shouldn't eat.

I sit down and look at my plate. They really put a lot on my plate. I feel their eyes on me waiting for me to taste it. I take my fork and take one noodle on it. I put it into my mouth and slowly chew. I try to swallow fast else they will think I don't like it.

"Mmh tastes amazing" I say which again is true I just feel like throwing up.

"I'm glad you like it now go on eat and enjoy we had a long drive home." Cate says.

I ate almost half of it. That's when I had enough I couldn't do it anymore.

"Uhm I need to use the bathroom may I go" I ask polite.

"Of course there is no need to ask remember you are home now" Sandra says.

I go upstairs into the bathroom. I look into the mirror and whisper.

"You freaking fat bitch you think they will love you huh. No one does. Your own mother told you that. Now get rid of that food. You don't deserve good."

I wanted to throw up but I'm scared I will be too loud so I decide to cut myself. I take the razor blade and pull my sleeve up trying to find a place to cut. Then I start. Each time I get deeper. Then on the other arm. Again and again. After 25 cuts I'm satisfied when I suddenly hear a knock.

"Sweetie are you alright?" I hear Cate.

"Uhm yeah gi-" my voice broke you could definitely hear I'm crying. Fuck. I'm so stupid.

"Hey open the door we can talk honey" I hear Sandra. Fuck now her too.

I just sit down on the ground.
"I can't open the door."

"Why is that?" Sandra asks with worry in her voice.

"You won't love me. No one does. Not even my own parents did. I don't deserve you both. You are to kind. I don't wanna do this. I will just be a burden to you to you will be better of without me. I can't do this anymore." I say while the blood is now dripping on the floor and tears are streaming down my face.

"Hey sweetheart we love you no matter what okay. We are having a fresh start. And you are not a burden no matter what. We will come in now."

"NO PLEA-" I was to late they are standing looking at me with tears forming in their eyes.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry" Is what I say hiding my face behind my hands.

"Hey no there is nothing to apologize for listen we will wash of the blood with a wet towel and then we will bandage is that okay with you." Sandra says stroking my head.

I just nod. They clean of my wounds and bandage my arms. Cate also washes away my tears and kisses my forehead.

"We won't shut you out you will stay. We will go through this together as a family. We will find you a therapist if you are comfortable. We love you no matter what. We care about you. You matter." Sandra says while Cate agrees.

"Thank you" is all I'm able to get out while I hug them both.

"Why don't you sleep with us in our huge bed tonight so we can cuddle?" Cate asks. Cuddle wow that's something I never got. I agreed. I put on my pijamas and they allowed me to lay between them. Both kissed my forehead and hugged me tight. I feel loved. For the first time in forever.

*Hello has been some time. Sorry lol but as I said I won't update often just when a bit motivation is there. For all of you that struggle with that stuff (or just struggle in general) . I'm deeply sorry you deserve so much better and even if tomorrow won't be better someday it will be. You are worthy of love. You matter. Please never forget that!*