Renewed

Chapter 23

"Goodnight," I smiled.

"Night," he moved a step closer. Soon there was barely any space between us.

I wanted it. No I don't want it. Yes I want it. No.. Yes... No!

Our faces were inches apart... He was leaning in... I couldn't... Yes I could.. No!!! Yes .... No.

I stepped back clearing my throat a bit. Well shit just became awkward.

"Um... I'll see you tomorrow at school," his eyes were clouded with both confusion and hurt.

Did he seriously not know why?

"Bye," I mumbled and he walked off the porch.

I stood there staring at him a bit kind of wishing he would turn back to look but he never looked back.

Sighing, I opened the door to the dark house. My brother was in his room playing video games and my mum was probably crying her eyes out.

I couldn't sleep that night.. Memories of everything flooded my head..

When I was little, my dad abandoned us for his other girlfriend.. My mum was so heartbroken she spaced out for a whole year.. My brother took care of my mother and I until she could get over it.

After that I vowed never to let my mum get involved with guys ever again. I also promised myself never to fall in love.

Things got better until I came to my new school. I mean, I met so many friends like Ro, Lilac, Alaska, Max but when it came to Adam.. Instantly my heart would beat fast, I would blush or become awkward and it was hard to talk to him.

But at that time he was together with another girl, he was with Kayla. So I had to control my feelings a lot but I always tried to be closer to Adam for some reason.

He had asked me for homework advice and all, and I gladly teached him. And well, Max started too.

I continued to have this strong crush on him for the longest time and when he broke up with Kayla, I felt bad for her.

I kind of felt happy too but then again, she was happy with him and yeah I felt bad.

I continued the way I treated Adam the same as if nothing ever happened, I didn't want to be desperate..

When he finally had feelings for me, I was so incredibly happy. And when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I was on cloud nine.

My brother screamed at me for shouting and yelling so loud. I was happy.

We started being less awkward with each other and well the rest was stuck in my mind forever.

Then came the break up... He stopped replying me frequently and even made me panic once. I cried so much. In the shower, on my bed even in the car on the way to somewhere. I cried and I cried.

Then on the 6 of January this year, he broke up with me..

Further on, I started getting closer to Max.. He always made me happy and to be honest he was the only one who could actually make me feel better..

Ro, Lilac and Alaska would take me to eat ice cream but for Max, I could really tell him how I felt.

I started scratching a lot and my arms would get used to the pain until I had to scratch my my thighs to feel more pain.

In a way, Max helped me stop. Not physically but how he kept talking to me and all, it helped me realize that I can't dwell in the past forever.

What's done is done. Of course, sometimes I wish I can go back in time, maybe fix what happened between me and Adam. But then again, if I fixed what happened, I wouldn't be liking Max, I wouldn't have spent those nights with him. I wouldn't have kissed him.

Yes, I like him. Do I love him? To be honest... Yes..

But now... He's not interested in a relationship.

I want to wait for him. I will wait.. I'm willing to wait the longest time. Although, if its too long.. Maybe not..

But yes, I'll wait for him to actually be ready. I just wonder what he had been through to make him so cautious about being in another relationship.

I changed into a more comfortable set of clothes and lay down on my bed closing my eyes. I hugged my pillow and took a deep breath.

It smelled good.. I slowly fell asleep with soft music playing in the background and my air conditioner blasting away cool air.

It was about 4 am when I woke up realizing it was raining heavily outside. My blanket was on the floor and my pillow was out of my reach.

A flash of lightning followed by a crash of thunder scared me as I was trying to get my blanket back. I wasn't scared of lightning nor thunder but I guess it just gave me a fright.

I lay down on my pillow while wrapping myself like a sushi on my bed thinking about Max yet again.

He was scared of thunder right..? I wonder if he's okay..