Love me // Judd Birch x Reader

12: late night driving

He pulled away from me after having kissed me for a little while and told me to hop in the car, I raised an eyebrow as there was still the booming music of the club in the background. "I want to show you this place." 
"You're not going to kidnap me right?" I chuckled and he shook his head- a smile breaking out on his face as he ducked into the drivers seat of the car, securing his seatbelt and then looking at me from still outside the door. I peered down into the car to see him sighing and signalling for me to get into the car. I scrunched up my face and he lowered the window of the door on my side. 
"Get your ass in here, I even brushed the seat down for you." He said in a sarcastically exhausted tone. 
"How am I so lucky to have such a gentleman as a boyfriend." I laughed while getting in the car, he didn't reply, instead he placed his hand on my thigh just as he had done before as he started up the car- only taking it off to change the gear to get out of the parking spot. I didn't miss the cute smile that passed along his features before his face was covered by darkness as the car passed down a street that was only illuminate by streetlights, so his face would be lit up for a short period of time before fading out again. 

His features were more accentuated by the streetlights, his eyes completely focused on the road ahead but showing that he knew I was still there by tapping his finger on my thigh occasionally. I knew that we had barely been together since we first met after so much time, but after that first night it really felt as if no time had passed at all. In this small car I felt peace for the first time in months, the last time I had felt this calm had been in the arms of Jessi- who had listened to me cry about the fact I was completely and utterly overwhelmed and I had no idea why. Yet now, it felt like time had stopped and I didn't want to get out, I was dreading the moment this car ride was over- even though I would still be with Judd, this moment was perfect.  

"You were the prettiest girl in that crowd." Judd suddenly added out of nowhere snapping me out of the daze had fallen into as I was watching the road and trees that surrounded us zoom past. I glanced at him and smiled warmly,
"Who do you think I was dancing for?" I replied softly, seeing his face soften a little. 

"See how he's not messaging you? See how he doesn't care? The fact is (Y/n) you left and he hasn't even tried to reach out for you." Shannon was trying once again to desperately comfort me but even while I was sitting on her lap crying into her shoulder it wasn't taking the weight of my emotions off my shoulders. She had a point, he hadn't tried to reach out to me but neither had I- it was just an empty space in my chest now. 
"N-no it's not like that- I'm the one who left, it's my fault." I sniffled, wiping my nose with the tissue Shannon had pulled out for me.
"Are you hearing yourself? (Y/n) you've been working and trying to just survive- fuck I haven't seen you eat a proper meal in weeks, you cannot survive on a few bits and bobs. You can barely stand up on your own two feet." I was hearing what she was saying but I just hated everything about myself, I hated how I stood, ate, walked, laughed, it felt like everything I did led to another insecurity. I was mentally exhausted and no matter what anyone said nothing would make me feel better, no matter how hard anyone tried to help me I just felt like my whole body was sinking into the floor. I was trying so hard, for Shannon, for Jessi, I had to do it for them. They had given me the world and more I had to do it for them. 
"Yeah, I guess you're right." I replied, not believing a single word coming out of my mouth. 

Judd's head then turned around and his soft expression fell, a hard serious one replacing it- I was slightly taken aback by the sudden change. "I didn't want to tell you about the last time I went to this club because I ended up kissing another girl in one of the side rooms and asking her to come to my apartment." He didn't seem at all comfortable telling me all this and he didn't for a second connect his eyes with mine- instead they stayed fixed on the road and his knuckles were turning a little whiter by how hard he was holding the steering wheel. 

"O-Oh." I replied, I didn't really know what  to say. Of course I was upset that he had kissed another girl, it hurt to know that but realistically we weren't together then so it didn't really matter that much. If anything it looked like Judd was more hurt than I was, sure the sinking feeling in my chest was beginning to feel stupid but what was sadder was the fact he was now acting so cold because he had told me it. 

"But she said she was going to a friends house so in the end nothing happened and I just went for a long drive." He finished, finally glancing my way. I softened my face and smiled at him, placing a hand on his cheek and feeling his breath hit my palm. 
"It's ok, that's the past. We weren't together then, you were a free man baby." I spoke quietly but he suddenly turned sour, moving my hand away from my cheek.

We were driving down an empty road and he pulled over to the side extremely quickly, stopping the car to turn around and look at me- so that he could properly speak to me and face me as he did so. 
"I never stopped wishing you were by my side (Y/n), don't fucking say shit like that." He stopped speaking for a moment to catch his breath, his eyes showed an emotion I had never seen in him before, not even in our last moments together- it wasn't anger but it was an aggressive sort of sadness, "Did you really think I wanted to kiss her? God I closed my eyes and all I could see was you (Y/n)! The last memory I had of you for four years until I saw your face again in the coffee shop was that pained expression and knowing that it was my fault for causing it!" He said frustrated- his eyes completely locked onto mine, he hadn't taken his gaze away from mine for a second. I took a deep breath and held both his hands in mine, rubbing my thumb across his rugged knuckles, tracing every scar and cut that lined them. 

"Judd stop beating yourself up about everything," I lifted a hand up and brushed away the tear that was sliding down his cheeks- I knew deep down that what I was saying was very hypocritical but I pushed the thought to the back of my head, I watched as his shoulders slowly released tension and he let out a long breath melting a little under my touch. 

"Do you remember when we went to the fair ground but we didn't have enough money to get in so we sat on the grass-" He began, my mind instantly remembering the freezing cold air biting my legs and watching as people walked into winter wonderland in a long queue- we had watched them laughing despite looking like two sitting ducks sat in the grass on Judd's coat that he had put down for us. 
"And planned how we were going to celebrate each other's birthdays? How could I forget?" I smiled brightly, it was a distant memory but still played like a melody in my head. We never did get to celebrate our birthday's as we planned but that didn't make it bitter in any way. 
"That's when I fell in love with you deeply and truly. The way your whole face creased up and began laughing because I found out you had rolled a fuckin' blunt and used up half our weed. You really thought you were sneaky huh?" He prodded my forehead with his finger and pushed it back slightly in an affectionate manner. I let out a little laugh and he chuckled before letting out a little sigh and signalling for me to lean my head in. 

I raised an eyebrow because at first I was unsure at what he was doing but he then placed a hand under my chin and slowly guided my head towards his, instead of the steamy kiss we had shared earlier in the club- this one was soft and our lips connected for a short while before leaning our foreheads together. 

"Never leave me again (Y/n) Glaser, promise." He whispered softly. 
"Ask me to marry you first Mr Birch." I cheekily smiled before leaning back into my seat. Placing my hands together like an evil villain who had been waiting for Mr Bond to arrive. 
"I just might have to then." He sighed, smirking. 
"Are you going to take me to this special place then? Or are you actually going to kidnap me?" I asked, changing the conversation before I actually ended up asking him to marry me. Judd let out a laugh and then proceeded to turn on the engine of the car, it made a small groaning noise and my eyes widened. He didn't seem phased though and turned the key in the ignition once more and I let out a sigh of relief as I saw the car suddenly jump back to life as the engine began whirring. 

"You're going to love this place." 
"I betttt you've taken me before." I replied, turning my head away from the road in front of us and focusing back on his face for a moment.
"Y-Yeahbutit'sdifferent." He said quickly so as to not make me properly hear what he was saying, I pretended as if I hadn't heard anything but then when I looked at his face it was bright red in embarrassment and I couldn't help but laugh.